Halfway There

I miss patients. The griping, the moaning, the lame jokes at 2 am and the honest heart-to-hearts I am able to have with my patients. The never-ending trips to the bathroom with the women and the triple checking on the men cause you know how much IV fluid they had. I miss taking care of people.

I miss driving to work when the sun sets and leaving just as the sun rises. Staying late just to talk to the day nurses and arriving early because you love your job. I miss singing out loud and off key to my EMT play list and chugging down a chocolate milk and a power bar. Drinking crappy coffee til 4 am and noshing on the junk food the veteran nurse hauls in with her. Having long talks and deep conversations about life, love and all the cruelty in between while that one patients sleeps.

I miss being able to lift things, and do things. Being able to do all the laundry in one day without getting in trouble and being able to clean up the apartment. I miss being able to get myself dressed every day without help, and being able to do my hair cute and girly. Being able to toss on a pair of scrubs and look as crummy as the patient, but tossing my hair up and being able to look and feel like a character out of 'Greys.'

I miss being optimistic about life and medicine. Being able to see the beauty in all things. But I've learned that pessimistic is okay every now and then. I miss being able to be pain free and always happy-go-lucky, to where the pain is under control and I can deal. I miss working, and being around others.
More than anything I miss being the caretaker, not the one needing care.