My Personal Anthem (2009)

Its New Years Eve.
I'm not going to make any resolutions, I'm not going to make any promises for myself because this year is the year that is going to change my life. I'm going back to work in February with a healed shoulder and a rested body- something I haven't been able to work with in a medical career EVER. I'm getting married this spring- to the love of my life and an incredible man. We're going to be getting our own place, and having all the adventures in between. I'll be eligible to go to Paramedic school in the fall- and I am able to work as an EMT come April. This year will be the year that changes everything- but I needed a bridge to get to that year- and that was 2009.

I learned alot this year- I learned things that will forever help me be a better person.

I learned to love. After feeling immense heartbreak, disaster, and emptiness this year has taught me how to love, and how to feel loved in return. I learned that its okay to get a kiss in public and that getting smacked on the ass isn't always a sexual thing. I learned how to fall asleep in someones arms, and how to laugh until I cry.

I learned how to feel peace when there isn't any. When a patient is dying in front of your eyes, when your family is falling apart, when your life is hanging by a thread- I learned how to discover peace of mind.

I learned how to let my guard down- to be okay with my emotions, to embrace the fact that I am like everyone else, I am human- and that I am not alone with my feelings. I learned how to laugh until it hurt, and how to cry on someones shoulder. I discovered that I could actually write about my feelings, and that I wasn't going to hell because of it.

I learned that the best people to listen to and seek advice from are the people who know you well enough yet are far enough away from your life. I came to realize that Nurse P was right about all the friend dramas after all- Bubba and I did meet new friends through police and EMS, there is no drama and we are completely happy. Nurse J was right as well- its not happily ever after, it is happily right now.

I learned that it doesn't matter what your told to believe- its what you learn from life's lessons to believe. You don't have to be perfect- you don't need to even embrace everything everyone else wants you to - you need to learn for yourself and come to your own terms.

I learned that despite everyones attempts to bring me down- and that despite all the shit that has happened to me that I am okay after all. I'm not perfect by any means, but I am Dani. I am a CNA, an EMT. I deal with life- whether I'm dealing with it or saving it. I like dancing in my underwear, and singing in the shower. I drink too much caffeine and can't keep my meals in order. I'm bad at computers and can't cut correctly with scissors.

But that's all okay. Because I've learned better.
And I can live with that being my accomplishment for 2009.

Road Trip

The moon hung in the sky, as if it was placed there by god. I followed it with my eyes as we drove, my face pressed against the back seat, simply watching the world as we passed it by. Buildings were lit by only exit signs and their parking lots were iced over. It felt as if we were the only ones left awake in this sleepy town- but this adventure was just beginning.

The further we got out of town the less we saw. Before too long we were only passing refineries every few miles and then suddenly there was nothing. My thoughts drifted away and finally it was just me, the road and the night.

Before too long the radio quit and we sat quietly, every so often mentioning stories from our jobs, from our lives. My friend Steve took the front seat, every so often mentioning a flight call he took from his time in Iraq. Bubba would reply with a story from the Police Academy. Finally, I would share my story- and silence would follow. The road continued on from beneath the tires- and if was as if we were dropping those worries out as we shared them.

It was two hours that passed in no time. Before we knew it the lights from our destination sparkled into the night sky and gave us a glimpse of hope. A smile spread across my face and the boys cracked jokes again- it was like the city brought us back to life.

Unfortunately we missed our exit and fear hung over us again as we read the sign 'Next exit, 58 miles - No Services.' We were running out of energy, out of gas and out of patience. Luckily there was an exit two miles out and we were able to flip around.

"What city is this?" Bubba asked playfully. There was no city to be seen- just darkness all around us.

"It doesn't matter what city this is." Steve replied. "Its like frickin North Las Vegas- no one wants to go there!"

We finally got to our destination and to our purpose- food. Sitting down at a table I smiled and simply enjoyed the moment. We had actually made it this far and were actually having alot of fun. Stories were shared about random things, jokes were made, I ooohed and ahhhed at the neon. Bubba even had an experience about a dancing man at the urinals (this made me laugh my butt off for quite some time).

Finally the restaurant was closing down and we were asked to leave. The food was long gone and the complimentary bread they kept bringing was getting downed. Our drink glasses were empty, and we were exhausted.

As we stopped to fill up on gas the boys crawled out of the truck and both began to giggle. Confused I sat there- not wanting to get out to see why. As Steve returned to the truck while it pumped he informed me it was puke. After a few moments Bubba returned with drinks and told me that it was puke that had been ran over. I rolled my eyes.

Boys.

A few moments later Bubba replied with 'if you would've given me a few minutes I could've identified the tires by the tire tread. Steve agreed and felt the need to inform me that it was the 'good kind' of vomit. Does that even exist? In all my years of holding emesis basins and cleaning up messes I never knew this.

The conversations never stopped on the way back. Before too long all of our phones died and the radio still didn't find a station. I smiled- this was the way a road trip should be. We cracked open our energy drinks and began to pound them down. We even hit pretty decent fog- and Steve showed off his skills as he whispered to himself distances, he had the vehicles around us memorized and their distances. Bubba assisted him with speeds and our speeds- and we made it through the thick patches alive.

As we finally pulled into the driveway we shivered into the cold 3-degrees that decided to follow us home. I had to be practically carried into bed- and passed out immediately- with a smile on my face.

Its good times like that- where you have your friends and your piece of mind - that you will remember forever.

Goodies! Prizes! Fun!

I am excited to announce that on January 1st, 2010 Medic Dani's (also known as Dani's Anatomy) will be having its first ever contest!

Here is how to play:

Each day during the month of January send in an e-mail to emtdani@hotmail.com. Include your name and e-mail address that you check often. As each e-mail comes in I will place the information into a drawing jar- on the last day of the month I will set a time to draw the winner's name, and announce it! (If you don't want your name announced on twitter or blogger please include a alias to refer to you by.)
The prize is a one-of-a-kind EMS t-shirt!

Get ready to play guys- because on January first- its game on!

You Might Be Marrying a Medic If... (By Officer Bubba)

My name is Officer Bubba. I'm Medic Dani's fiancee. I'm today's guest author and the first one to be at that. This is the topic I choose and a very fitting topic- because from what I can see is that she isn't the only one that does these crazy, fun, kooky, entertaining things that are unique to being a medic or even some one in the medical profession. I hope you enjoy the read and get a great kick out of it and maybe even have some of your own you could share.
Thanks for taking the time and don't be afraid to make fun of her either.

Us men have it difficult enough to figure out women. I have it the worst- I have to figure out a female medic. Not only does she have the normal traits of a typical woman she also has the quirks of the medical professionals. Neither come with hints that are easy to pick up on.

Let me tell you of some of the things I have had to live with...

You might be marrying a medic if she cleans out her wallet and there are more alcohol prep pads than ones.

You might be marrying a medic if she has socks with skulls on them and still insists on mismatching them- even though no one ever sees them.

You might be marrying a medic if all Christmas presents from her were wrapped in IV tape.

You might be marrying a medic if 10cc saliene syringes, shaving cream and a bathtub is a baby sitting event.

You might be marrying a medic if the sternal rub is used as a wake-up call when a "good morning" would suffice.

You might be marrying a medic if she has more photos of ambulances, fire trucks and cop cars scattered around than of her family and friends.

You might be marrying a medic if a siren has gone off in your bedroom at two a.m.

You might be marrying a medic if you've ever watched her eat an orange with trauma shears.

You might be marrying a medic if you've ever gone on a date that ended up in finding fire stations.

You might be marrying a medic when you go on a date and by the end of the night your clothes have been cut off of you.

You might be marrying a medic if your date night includes a scene size up.

You might be marrying a medic if her diet consists of Hershey kisses and a taco shell.

You might be marrying a medic when every time you pass or see a ambulance or fire truck she gives them the rock and roll hand gesture.

You might be marrying a medic when your at wal-mart and you make a special trip over to the scrubs just to check them out.

You might be marrying a medic when she says lets see if we can get married in a fire house or on the back of a fire truck, and is serious.

You might be marrying a medic when your told your not going to be able to pick the colors of the room(red, blue, and white) but told that your going to paint it that way.

You're okay with marrying a medic because you know that you'll sleep safe at night, and never stop laughing at the antics.
I'm sure this post will come with a sequel directed at me, and I look forward to it.

Social Networking.

Hey everyone- I PROMISE a real blog post is coming- but until then I wanted to let everyone know about the social networking I am a part of!

Facebook as a fan page for Medic Dani- check it out and become a fan!

I am also on Twitter under username EMTDani, and I tweet alot. (Also I am one follower away from my 100th follower- will it be you?)

Wanna chat? You can IM me on emtdani@hotmail.com or on skype under username MedicDani.

Until then readers- BSI-

XOXO-D

Tear Stained Cheeks

The drive home was quiet. My phone had died and I couldn't call for help, even if I wanted to. There was no need for the radio- my thoughts said too much and I craved silence. I didn't bother emptying out my pockets before leaving work, and my equipment jammed into my leg. My badge was positioned funny and jammed itself into my breast. I didn't care about either of them.

My mind went to the long talks with my buddy Travis, about how stupid patients are. "If you are going to cut, go down the river, never across the street!" He would always exclaim, shaking his head and laughing. As I pulled my car up to a red light, I looked to my wrist and studied the sting from the wound by the glow of the street light.

I felt enlightened as suddenly I realized patients aren't stupid after all- they don't want to die-they are trying to cure the pain.
_

Charlotte was the sweetest woman I have ever known. She had long grey hair and big blue eyes, and even at 94 she loved to whistle- or at least, try to. While I worked a long-term care facility I was always assigned to be her aide- and I was just fine with it. Her son came to visit her every night- he was a big, strong, teddy bear. Before too long we became friends, and I became family.

I quit the care center not long after I turned 18, but I still went to visit Charlotte often. One night after about two months I got a phone call from her son. He was crying. He asked why I hadn't been at his mothers funeral.

Words couldn't fix what had happened and tears formed in my eyes. I sniffed softly and we stayed on the phone with each other. We didn't say a thing, we just sat until the other hung up. I haven't seen nor heard from him since, but I think of him every day.
__

I've had roughly 700 patients in my care alone this year. That does not count the patients that I shared with other aides or the ones that didn't require much care. Out of those people, 22 of them have lost their lives. In my opinion, that is far too many.

Susan died alone, her family nowhere to be found or contacted, at the age of 73.

Frank died while getting Dialysis. He told me he was going to die three minutes before he did. The doctors were too late and he couldn't be revived. He was 56 and top of the list for a transplant.

Johnathan died of Leukemia after two long years of treatment. He was 8.

Maya died of heart problems after staying in the hospital for 6 months. It was sudden and unexpected. She was 32 with two young children.

Do people seriously wonder why we struggle with depression? Why we crack twisted jokes? Our jobs are amazing, but don't kid yourself, it's the hardest job in the world to do.
__

I wish I was lucky enough to say these last 20 years were easy on me. More than anything I wish I could admit how high school was a breeze full of only good times and that the cops were only involved when it was funny.

I wish I could say that things were always amazing and wonderful- that I'm not a 19-year-old divorcee, or a girl who had to re-invent herself three times just to keep her head above water. I wish that I was lucky enough to say that I made it through all that hell with a smile on my face.
But I've been beaten bloody over all of it.
__

Hot tears stained my cheeks, goosebumps covered my body. I sat on the floor in an empty patient room, hiding. I stared at my wrist in shock, in disbelief. I couldn't believe I had done it, but there they were, two cuts. My mouth fell open and I stared helplessly at it; what had I just done? That wasn't me, I was the professional, not the patient. Scared, and shaking I placed a gauze pad to my wrist and dabbed away the blood.

As I sat there I felt it-the realization of it. Just moments before my world was crashing, my pain was out of control and I could hardly breathe. Nothing could help the pain and all I could think about was wanting real pain. Suddenly the emotional pain had disappeared and the physical pain was all I could feel. I sniffed softly and touched the cuts, suddenly I felt like I could make it. The physical pain was nothing in comparison.
Finally, I understood.
___

Two days after the first incident and I still hadn't taken off my leather wristband. My cut was covered in neosporin and topped with gauze and a tegederm, then nicely hidden for the world to never see. After a long shift at the medical unit I collapsed into my car and sat there numbly. After thirty minutes of debating I turned on my car and called Travis.

It took everything I had to even tell him the truth- that I was calling for help, for advice. And once I said it, I regretted it. Surprisingly, he shocked me. "Let's talk about it." He said. "And lets start off with why you're calling me about it."

I waited for the typical 'cutting is a cry for help, or attention' line, but it never came. Instead comments like 'your not stupid, nor incapable, your human' came up. By the time I got home I felt better and a plan was in place. From that point forward I was no longer allowed to keep my feelings bottled in. I was to carry tissues everywhere and try to let my emotions out (where appropriate). I was to call either him or my fiancee and get it out there- to avoid that unbelievable emotional pain at all costs.

Two people were on my side. And for me, that was enough.
__

By no means am I to say that my depression is cured.
It is on hiatus while I am here at home recovering. The cold weather, the snow, the trips up to work remind me of what may be waiting for me once I do return. It scares me shitless.

But I have to talk about it, I have to face the facts. I need to tackle this son of a bitch and figure out what causes it to think it can control me. And then I need to take control all over again. It's a long, hard, miserable battle that will drive me to insanity, if it hasn't already.

No one would've known if I hadn't told them how bad it was. Sure, my fiancee knows I have crappy shifts. He knows there are nights I come home and cry myself to sleep. There are days that breathing the next breath seems impossible by all odds, but I seemingly pulled through. If I wouldnt've said anything it would've been my secret, and all they would've seen was tear stained cheeks.

Pho-Pho-Pho-Photos!

On each photo (click to enlarge) I have a discription of what on earth your looking at. It's pretty gnarly stuff and I am so stoked to have figured out the scanner! Enjoy looking at my insides!

Please Excuse Our Dust

In an attempt to brighten up the blog, I made a big boo boo and don't believe the blog will be itself for a little while. Please bear with me while I attempt to fix this error.

A Shoutout to EMS Chick

http://emschick9.blogspot.com writes its BLS, not BS.

She is one of my favorite authors in the EMS Blogosphere. She is funny, witty, honest, and her posts will either make you giggle or make you cry. Check her blog out and add her to your blogrolls if you haven't already. She's well worth the read.

Oh, and EMS Chick- if you're reading this- Thanks for being my first mediblogger friend!

Keep it up!

If you have time to burn...

Then you should check out these sites!

First off, lets start out with one of my personal favorites; http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

This site is dedicated to 'wal-creatures' meaning people that dress completely and totally bizarre and make us laugh. It's cruel- but funny. And sadly, I like that kind of stuff.



I found this site yesterday thanks to one of my readers! http://www.streetanatomy.com/
This site is weird, let me put it to you that way, and it has alot of cool stuff tied into it. The photo (seen left) was pulled from it. The photo itself is of Chinese organ donation. This site features artwork, medical photography and even clothing- check it out, it's really cool!

The next site that I absolutely love is www.autocompleteme.com. It's a funny google search site that features funny searches seen on google. Some of the photos have been shown on other sites, but are finally all together in one location for your viewing pleasure.

One of my personal favorites is www.textsfromlastnight.com. It's hilarious. The slogan is 'remember that text you shouldn't've sent? We do.' It features text messages sent by people around the world. You can even search your area code and state to see the madness that occurs around you. Being a medical professional it's even more hilarious! Enjoy it!

Everyone hates family photos. Everyone thinks they look bad in family portraits. Think again! At www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com you can see what others family photos look like and feel better about yourself instantly! They feature the bad, the worst, and the ugliest things imaginable!

Any other great sites out there that I missed? Send me a comment and let me know- suggestions are always welcome!

Update: A Shocking PT Session!

I LOVE going to PT. The surgeon seems amused at how well I am doing this quickly- which I contribute to my age and my fiancee harassing me to not overdo it. The best part is when the PT tells me to relax my arm, then he picks it up, cradles it against his chest and then stretches it out, watching his face as he expects a stiff shoulder and finds a very nice shoulder is a good thing. They seem to be very pleased. I don't need any more PT unless prescribed by the surgeon- which he just may not do at all seeing how the last two weeks have been.

My limits (as set by the surgeon) are 0-90 degrees in front of me, circles as my arm dangles (generally I lean onto a table or over a chair) and rotating my arm towards and away from my body. I look like a rock-em-sock-em robot. Today we got to 110 degrees before I even asked how far out we got. My PT just laughed and shook his head, Bubba is convinced he was shocked.


I was asked a lot today about the pain and what I was feeling. I was honest with my PT, even though the boys didn't believe it. Little to no pain, however I did have a ton of tightness in the shoulder socket. The pain that I did have was a knot by my neck. Knowing it was from my brace I let the PT know, however after some rubbing and poking he determined it needed to be looser. "Want some shock therapy?" He asked.

My mind pictured an electric chair and my eyes got wide. Bubba burst out laughing and they both quickly explained to me what it was.
"Sure." I replied, figuring that whatever it was, it couldn't hurt too bad. He's only a PT after all.

He hooked me up to the machine (pictured above) and placed somewhere between 4-5 patches (seen to the left) on my shoulder, neck and back where the pain was. He turned on the machine and turned the 'pins and needles' feeling up until it almost hurt. He then placed a heat pack behind my shoulder and told me to relax for the next 15 minutes.

Let me tell you, it was heavenly. I laid back and closed my eyes, nearly falling asleep. Before I knew it the 15 minutes were up and they came in to disconnect me from it. The PT laughed as I asked him for more time on it- or to even take it home. He denied my request but told me that heating pads work. (I'm a chick, of course I know heating pads work!)

Since then I haven't needed pain meds. I am now two hours overdue and excited to see that the pain is gone. If anyone has the ability to have electrical therapy done, I highly recommend it- its very, very nice.

Meaningful Music

My mother has played piano my whole life for our church. My father is a music junkie and has great taste- raising us on everything from Ozzy to the Osmond's, from the Hootie and the Blowfish to Van Halen. My grandmother was an Opera singer for years and years. Music is a major part of my life.

My drive to work is anywhere from 30-45 minutes. It's a rather long drive and I pass 7 other hospitals on the way just to get to the best one in the state. As I drive I listen to a play list titled 'Ultimate EMT Play list.' Knowing that we always need inspiration I thought it would be best to share what inspires me and why.

I hope you take the time to listen to each song if you haven't already. All the music can be listened to for free on www.playlist.com or purchased on Itunes.

How to Save a Life - The Piano Tribute Players

Anyone who has heard the original version of this song done by 'The Fray' knows why this song is a favorite and the first on the list. This version is done completely on piano and has even more emotion. This is the first song I hear when I get in the car, it helps me feel stronger. It's a longer track, but it is completely worth it.

Sky - Joshua Radin

This was a song I found in a closing scene of Grey's Anatomy- after a long hard day and loosing patients the characters still had their family, friends and colleagues. The lyrics remind me that whatever happens, I'll have people there at the end of the night. Whether it be my fiance who I can call and vent to, whether it be the nurses who will offer a shoulder to cry on or my readers, who help, simply by arriving on the blog.

Broken (Original Version) - Lifehouse

There are two versions of this song- the new/radio version is much more popular but has little to none of the emotion that this version has. I have both and prefer this one when using it as an EMT song. The tone of the song and the way they created the music to collide with the lyrics is beautiful- and the lyrics are so powerful and have brought tears to my eyes many nights.

'I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart, that's still beating.
In the pain, There is healing.
In your name, I find meaning.
So I'm holding on (I'm holding on)
Barely holding on to you...
I'm hanging on another day,
Just to see what you will throw my way...
You said that I will, will be okay.
The broken light on the freeway, left me here alone.
I may have lost my way now,
Haven't forgotten my way home.'

Never Let Go - Bryan Adams

This song was played for me by my first partner the day before my grandfather and my best friend died. It was supposed to simply inspire me for state competition- but instead this song changed my world. If you recognize this song, its most likely because this is the song from the movie, 'The Guardian'. It's the most fitting song for medical professionals- and the lyrics say it all.

'Can you lay your life down, so a stranger can live?
Can you take what you need, but take less than you give?
Could you close every day without the glory and fame?
Could you hold your head high, when no one knows your name?
That's how legends are made, at least that's what they say.
We say goodbye, but never let go. We live, we die, Cause we can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to, show that your the kind of man who
Will never look back, never look down, never let go.'

Into the Fire - Thirteen Senses

This is another Grey's song- it is played in the first episode of the series. As Meredith Grey scrubs into surgery she says 'I can quit. I can think of 1,000 reasons to quit and not one reason to stay, but here's the thing- I love the rush.' When I took an EMS refresher course I played this song before every test and I felt unstoppable. This is a strong song, and I encourage all of you to watch that first episode just for this song alone so that you can get the full feeling to it.

Life is Beautiful - Vega 4

Are you shocked to know this is another Grey's song? The writers of this show have done an excellent job in choosing music. In this episode (Season 3) a patient burned herself on purpose to avoid taking a test and it was up to Izzie to tell her to ask for help. The patient freaked out, yelling 'I'm not crazy!' To which Izzie replies 'No, your not, but you need help. You need someone to help take care of you.' This song was also used as a commercial for 'My Sisters Keeper'. This song also has such amazing lyrics- even if the song is exceptionally long!

'Life is beautiful. We love until we die...
Life is beautiful but its complicated. We barely make it.
We don't need to understand, there are miracles, miracles.
Yeah, Life is beautiful, our hearts they beat and break...
It's amazing where I'm standing, there's a lot that we can give.
This is ours just for a moment, There's alot that we can give.'

Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick

One night I drove home from the hospital- tears burning my cheeks as they fell. I sniffed and whimpered and drove, fighting to just get some music on to distract me. Work had been that bad- and I don't remember why- but I do remember hearing these lyrics and feeling the emotion and the lyrics' truth.

'Cause you can't jump the tracks, we're like cars on the cable.
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And Breathe...Just Breathe.'

Shine Your Light - Robbie Robertson

I'm sure all of you have heard this song, if not- you best get to it. This song was on 'Ladder 49' in the closing scene- and made me bawl like a baby the first time I heard it. I absolutely love this song and on my weird shifts I love driving home to this song, looking up to the stars and simply absorbing the music. This song is definitely one all medical professionals need to hear.

'The cry of the city, like a sirens song,
Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long,
Saw a shooting star, like a diamond in the sky,
Must be someones soul, passing by...
Shine your light, Down on Me,
Lift me up, So I can see, (Ooh)
Shine your light, When your gone,
Give me the strength to Carry on, (Carry on).'

Where I Stood - Missy Higgins

Only one episode of Grey's Anatomy has ever made me cry- and that was in Season 4 when two ambulances collided and left two paramedics hanging upside down. They knew one of them wasn't going to make it and they called his wife. As his wife came to see her dying husband Meredith looks at the Chief and he tells her ' That's the job.' She sighs and repeats it. He places his hands on her hips and tells her, 'That's the job. This day, this day you feel helpless. This day makes all those other days where you fight to save a life and loose. You take it in.'

Kristy, Are you doing OK? - The Offspring

Life was tough, it was cold and icy. January. School was unforgiving and life was even more unbearable. I had no place to live and my car was breaking down. As I pulled into the school parking lot I paused and listened to the radio when this song came on. I felt like The Offspring were talking to me with their short chorus. Two weeks later I found a place, got a second job and fixed my beat up old car- it's the song I play on my bad days when I need that pick-me-up.

'Can you stay strong, Can you go on?
Kristy, Are you doing OK?
A rose that won't bloom, Winter's kept you,
Don't waste your whole life trying,
To get back whats been taken away.'

Address in the Stars - Caitlin and Will

Anyone who has lost someone will be touched by this song. This song has almost nothing to do with EMS, but at the same time everything to do with it. To do this job we have to believe in something. We have to have some sort of faith and this song is the one that helps me remember my beliefs, my faiths and my understandings of the unknown.
It's a song about being left behind after someone you love passes away. She musicians did such an amazing job vocally and on the music video. It's a beautiful song that I hope you all take a moment to listen to- with tissues! I cry almost every time!

How to Save a Life - The Fray

My play list ends the way it begins- with the same song but with lyrics. The Fray does such a great job with their vocals on this song and adds so much inspiration and emotion. By this point I am sitting in the parking lot at work, staring at the building. As I pack up my belongings I smile, because I know 'how to save a life.'

'Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend.
Somewhere alone in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.'

Rest and Relaxation

We go into medicine because we have a drive to help people. Whether it be clinical or personal we like people, we want to fix people, we want to make a difference. We choose our field depending on the level of help we want to give. Surgeons want to be god but not have to deal with the people problems, they are glorified mechanics. Nurses like to help people, and all willing to deal with any and all of the shit thats thrown their way- patients are worth it.

Problem is that we are far too busy fixing others that we take a moment to fix ourselves. We don't eat well, sleep well or exercise as often as we need to. We eat junk food and take hour long naps instead of a decent nights sleep. Our bodies learn to adapt, but we wear down quicker- before we know it, we are the patient.

Being the patient isn't as bad as we make it out to be. There isn't much to do, and any medical professional will be the first to tell you that it gets old quick. You take your meds, read, eat, potty, and sleep. Movies and television become a bore, and errands seem fun for the first time in years, because its something to do. But during all the boring crap and tedious tasks you finally get to rest.

We need the rest. We need the time to recuperate. We need to care for ourselves so we can fully help others and be the healers we want to be.

During all of this I have been pushing it. I have been folding clothes when I shouldn't be, moving large boxes and trying so hard to be productive. During times when I am not in recovery from a shoulder surgery I am a hard-working non-stop go-getter, so lying on my butt all day watching Scrubs and playing Halo 3 is killing me. As I lay there, resting I see the piles of laundry and sit there, wanting to do it, so I do. I know I shouldn't- I totally know I shouldn't- but I don't feel like I should rest like I need to- its foreign to me.

Finally I got a chewing out to end all chewing outs by my fiance. I had kicked around a heavy box that held a safe and got it set up. I didn't use my left arm at all, but it still was way too heavy for me. That day I had also done some laundry and cleaned up the apartment- and that night I lay in tears from the terrible pain. I knew i overdid it so I kept quiet- I did this to myself after all.

"NO!" He said as I tried to move a laundry basket. I crawled into bed and sighed, feeling useless yet again. Luckily, Bubba is very helpful and doesn't complain about helping me out. He opens all the doors, carries anything that needs to be carried and even helps me get my seatbelt on in the car (if you saw the size of my brace you would understand- I can't see two feet in front of me because of it!). He sat down next to me, wrapping his arms around me. "Dani." He started. "You need to rest. You need to relax. This is your time to heal- and you can't screw that up." I sighed- he was right but I didn't want to admit it. "I have no issues taking care of you, so please, just let me."

So I'm trying to do the one thing I have never done before- rest. All my life I have been a stubborn Aries and that is kicking my butt now because for the first time I have to take a vacation from life. Something I have never done, and am hoping is easy for me to do- however, its not looking like it will be.

The surgical site is healing well, some of the incisions don't even look like incisions! Only two are left covered by band-aids because they have a scab on them. I am really glad to see how well they are healing and excited to get more PT done. So far I am doing really good and behaving in that sense- and I can't wait for the surgeon to 'ok' me to get back to daily life...but that won't be til January 5th!

(Luckily my friend gets home from Iraq this week and Bubba's done with the first half of school- which means at least I'll have friends to play Halo 3 with!)

Until then, I suggest we all try to rest. If working your ass off isn't enough, imagine doing it during the holidays. Let's all try to take a day off- I know it's tough, but it's something everyone needs.

Once upon a vollie.

I became a volunteer EMT at the ripe old age of 16. I worked directly under a doctor and knew abosolutely nothing at the time about emergency medicine, hospitals, ambulances, or how to treat patients. I did it to be at the bike track.

Dr. C was excellent. She taught me everything I ever needed to know about crashes. I bandaged lots of road rash, and as they fell she taught me about c-spine injuries, what to check for and how to treat it. Before I knew it, I was calling the shots.

She was tough for us being only volunteers. If you didn't honor god and country you wouldn't be allowed to treat patients, let alone carry the jump kit. We were to stand for the national anthem, we were to follow all laws, irregardless of how stupid they were. We had to follow the rules of the sport, and only offer to help the racer after asking if they can touch them- including freeing them from their bike when trapped. She sat over my shoulder, watching intently as I cleaned up each case of road rash, and made sure I explained all the problems they could have with the injury.

It's been nearly 4 years. I have since quit volunteering but now, I can handle anything. Yesterday I got a phone call from my manager, offering me a better shift, with more ideal hours and better cases. She made a comment that made me smile, but think back to Dr. C.

"Dani, you are excellent with the staff and the patients. The patients families love you, and have told me that you explain things to them much better than anyone else on staff. We want you on days where you can help more people."

If it weren't for the three years I spent with Dr. C, I never would have gained the knowledge, the people skills and the ability to understand medicine. If it weren't for being a vollie, I never would be the employee everyone wants on their shift.

Another Update

Hey there, I know its been a little bit since I've had a decent post, and for that I apologize. Lately its been boring. I figured I would at least answer the questions I have been getting from my readers - How am I doing? I was shocked to see e-mails pouring in from some of my readers wanting to know how things are doing surgery wise. I figured I had bored all y'all to death and when numerous IM's came in I was really thrown for a loop. First off, thanks. It means alot to me.

My shoulder is stiff, but it doesn't necessarily hurt. Pain, there is little to none. If I sit in the sling too long or don't do my PT every so many hours I hurt, but it's like the pain you get after a good workout. Everyone seems to be shocked I'm only on Tylenol, but it works for me. As for PT I have Bubba help with my arm lifts to 90 degrees, its my favorite, it feels SO GOOD! Then I can let my arm hang and do circles 2-3 times a day. That works out nicely because it helps with loosening up my arm. Dressing and undressing has gotten easier. I still need an incredible amount of help with nearly everything- but I'm getting better.

However I miss my job. I miss doing things every day. My life consists of sleeping, getting up to take pain meds and do PT, and either watching movies or playing video games. As much as I thought I would love it, I actually hate it. The Christmas presents can't be wrapped, the apartment can't be cleaned, and more than anything, I have become the patient. The helpless feeling sucks.

The thing about the job we do is that we take it away from ourselves. As I'm stuck hanging out I'm trying to think of ways to save the world and feel like crap that I can't. I wonder how I can make a difference, how I can further myself in life, how can I make that difference I always wanted to. We take these things for granted, the ability to comb our own hair, or even lift a bottle of water to our lips. The ability to sleep on our sides or stomach, and the ability to cut our own meat. I'm an over sized two-year-old- but I'm catching on to how the patients may be feeling.

I would never wish this on anybody, but I wish I could explain the eye-opening experience this has been for me. When the medications made me ill and dehydrated, I knew what would happen, but I was still scared to death. When the chief anesthesiologist couldn't get a vein on me, I knew what it meant, but it still hurt, and still worried me. They explained everything I didn't understand well, but I still worried about what they didn't explain to me. Feeling helpless, I worry about being a burden to others. I hate asking for help when it comes time to shower or when I need my hair placed in a ponytail, because I know it's a huge favor to ask. My incisions look good from a medical standpoint, but I still worry that I am not paying enough attention. Could they be infected? Did the steri-strips fall off too soon? Suddenly I realize what my patients are thinking, worrying and wondering about.
It's a mind boggling experience, but an eye opener everyone should have at least once in their lives. I just hope that they can learn from my experience, not their own.

Until then, BSI!

In my professional medical opinion...

Its a horrible thing, having any medical knowledge. On one hand, some people listen to you and trust you. They seek your advice and are eager to learn about what you have to share.

On the other hand, some people seek your advice and argue it, 'oh your only an EMT, you don't know much.'

Let me tell you two tales.

Once upon a time was a young diabetic boy with a hurt foot. It was discolored, swollen and painful. It wouldn't get better. So his mother looked for a doctor. One of the doctors said that he needed surgery and scheduled it. The whole thing seemed off. The X-rays showed no break, let alone reason for surgery, plus being diabetic made it risky. I begged, pleaded and harassed his mother to take him to a specialist. Finally, a few days before the surgery they did.

The so called 'break' on the X-rays, was actually calicfication and his foot was healing. The surgery would have injured him further and nearly crippled him. The child is only 16.

The next tale is of a woman who had numb hands and incredible pain for months. After much begging and pleading to see a doctor she finally got sick of the harassment and pain. Finally she got a diagnosis- pinched nerves in her cervical spine. If she didnt get the tests she would have been in this incredible pain for years.

Neither time did they listen when I begged them to go see a doctor. Both times they thanked me and felt better later on. I hate having a professional medical profession.

A Letter to my favorite Paramedic

Dear Scott,

You're an asshole 90% of the time, and that works for you. Honestly, I envy you for it. I wish I could be a cool, rough, tough, military asshole that saves lives. Frankly I never thought we would be friends, let alone become some of the best friends.

Where your family won't tell you they are proud of you, I will. I think that you are an amazing young man, and I only wish the best for you in the rest of your life to come. Your smart, and dedicated and are crazy ambitious, which helps with the whole applying to med school thing. I know you'll get into a great school, make the military pay every penny they worked you for and become an amazing doctor.

Last December was amazingly funny. It was you, me and Bubba, just driving around the state like a couple of idiots. We ran out of tourist things to do about thirty minutes after you arrived and ended up visiting every wal-mart in 50 miles and looking for Jesus look-alikes. You were mean at first, and I hated you for your pessimism, but by the time you left to return to the sandbox we were better friends than you and Bubba.

The best part was when you gave me your army flight medic t-shirt. It's way too big for me, but I wear it all the time, and I love it. The jump kit that it came in was crazy cool too and I brag all the time about owning a bag of quik-clot, even if I know I will never get to use it.

I hope your well Scotty-boy. I hope that your not going crazy over there. I hope you know how much we miss you.
We are so gonna cause hell and havoc when you come home.
Miss you man.

Well, so Much for THAT.

PT today was excellent. When I say excellent, I mean funny.

First off, this whole time the staff has been feeding my newest addiction. I am a whore to all the crazy looks that I get from the staff and love to tell my story just so I can get another one of those 'holy shi-' looks. I know, it's bad, but I love it. Once I got back to the PT room and to my table the sports therapist asked about my injury, how it happened, when, what I did to fix it, etc. When he looked at the chart he looked amazed. "YOU DID WHAT?"

I giggled, I'm used to this. "A 360 DEGREE LABRIAL REPAIR!? THATS-" He paused, trying not to be a jerk. Most patient's don't like hearing their injury was cool.

"It's gnarly, right?" I said, smiling.

He then walked off, leaving us to watch as he explained to the PT what the injury was, and too there was another one of those reactions I am addicted to. I beamed as he introduced himself and laid me flat on the table. We began to lift my arm into the air. "Tell me when it hurts." He said. We got to 30 degrees, nothing. 50 degrees, nothing. He paused and rocked my arm a little bit, then moved onto 70 degrees. "Doesn't it hurt?" He asked. I shook my head.

"There!" I said after a moment, "But its tightness hurting, not pain." He smirked.

"Your at 95 degrees, 5 degrees past what the doctor ordered." He said. "We need to rewrite some orders, your doing...well amazing. I don't need to see you twice a week after all." He said. "How bout every two weeks."

Well, now I have stuff to do...kind of.

Tuesday Update

Goodness! I was so excited I couldn't sleep!

The stitches came out! It was a glorious moment, pain free and awesome as they pulled them. Then to top it off the surgeon ordered me to start PT, which I will begin this morning. This caused me to smile and happy dance there in the office.

Now I know getting out of the sling isn't breaking the rules anymore! Haha!

Off to get ready for PT- it may be hell, but it will so be worth it.