I was that kid, once. Standing in new bright blue scrubs, hands in the pockets, and a look on his face that let us all know he was new, out of place and scared to death. For his first day on the job, he did well. We had a rough patient load and he kept up, ignoring the sounds of the moaning psych patients and crying children. The unit is never quiet, but last night it was louder than normal, adding to the usual headache we usually all leave with. (I kid you not, at 2000 we all sit down in the breakroom and pass around a bottle of excedrin to get us to 2330.)
Luckily for him, I wasn't his orientee, the powers at hand probably knew better than to give me the new guy, mostly because I am known for throwing it at them like it was thrown at me. I was taught right, I was taught well, and I was taught how to do a tough job with compassion, my instructors theory was 'if a patient has to do it, so do you.' I have had nearly all of it done on me, and teach the same way. I was always told 'DO IT' and if I had seen it, I did it. This kid had seen hundreds of IV's discontinued, but refused to take one out (BTW, its the easiest freaking thing in the world to do, take tape off, stabilize IV, place gauze over IV site, gently and quickly pull it out and press down on IV site, stopping any bleeding. EASY.) I was amazed at the patience of his orientee, and how sweet she was too him. The powers at hand did well.
I was once that family member, once. Standing outside my family members room, talking quietly with the nurses, trying to figure out what was going on, why certain actions were or were not taken, trying to make sure my family was taken care of at their best. I always asked questions about lab results, when the M.D.'s had made their way in and why things were the way they were. However, we stayed in hushed voices, and this gal did not.
Luckily for her I wasn't the Nurse. The charge nurse took over and very sweetly talked to her about the care, treatment and why each task was being done, she even showed her the computer chart and the orders to best explain. She sat her down and even showed her the medications, explaining things so incredibly througoughly to the family member, as well as the patient. Watching this I couldn't help but smile, I love who the powers have chosen to charge, they are truly the best of the best.
I was waiting for test results once.....aw who the hell am I kidding....still waiting in test results. And I hate waiting.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
A Weekend I Needed.
I needed the break I had this weekend, even if it did start off rough. I needed to get my mind away from the test results that aren't coming and that intermediate book, both seemed to be taunting me, harassing me, calling me out, and I felt helpless, not knowing what to do.
Friday I got really sick, and it scared me, hitting me really hard while I was getting ready for work. I tried to shake it off, but after a long talk with my fiance and his input, I called in sick to my job for the first time ever. When I talked to the nurse, she was very understanding, and also seemed slightly concerned- another scare. I ended up sleeping about 16 hours and slept most of it off.
Saturday I promised my fiance I would go watch him march in a city parade. He plays in a traditional scottish band and I love going to these parades. The band played excellent and as we 
walked back to the car I found 5 or 6 of our fire trucks and ambulances were here, so of course I took a picture. (I can't post the others, they have the city name in them.)
walked back to the car I found 5 or 6 of our fire trucks and ambulances were here, so of course I took a picture. (I can't post the others, they have the city name in them.)During the parade, I had a chance to do something awesome. I was sitting alone, but was joined on one side with a mom with 3 kids on my left and a mom and her daughter on the other side. The whole parade I handed the kids candy, and the little kids gladly took it. The mom on my right stood up and left, and the daughter sat with me, cracking lame jokes about the floats. After a little bit she got quiet, got pale and looked sick. I brushed my hand against her leg and it was cool and she was shaking. I looked at her and noticed a medical alert bracelet. I flipped it over and it read 'DIABETES TYPE 1.' I then looked to her.
"Your diabetic?" I verified. She nodded. "Do you have your tester on you?" She shook her head no. I bit my lip. "Have you taken insulin today?" She nodded and showed me her pump, which had about 8 units on board. "How much have you had to eat?" She showed me the wrapper to a salt water taffy. I asked if she had eaten anything else, she hadn't. I turned to my other side. "I need a piece of candy." I said, remembering what I was taught. 'If they are high, give 'em glucose. If they are low, give 'em glucose.' After fighting the parents I obtained some Starbursts and I gave them to her, then took her to find her mom, her mom looked terrified and when we took her blood sugar it was 55. They both embraced me and thanked me, then gave her more carbs to balance her out.
I needed it, because it helped me get to today without worrying about the results. But alas, its back to worrying.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Quotes and Qips
When I get worried, I turn to myself. It is a nasty habit, but its one I have found incredibly useful, and as this trick works more and more, I realize that maybe its not that bad for me. Then again, alcoholics and long-time smokers say the same thing.
I turned to my writing notebooks. I actually have a whole box full of notebooks, binders, spiral bound books and folders. To my parents dismay I wanted to keep most of my good writing and I dug into one of those boxes this afternoon, only to find the smallest blip of what I needed to get through tonight.
The vanilla color was faded into a deeper shade, resembling the tan shade that the army uses. This folder had been through alot and had no breaks, and from the scribblings on it I could tell it never had a chance to begin with. The edges were faded, and honestly I wasn't sure what I had kept it for, but then I took a closer look at the scribblings on it. It wasn't just the typical crap people write on folders, like who loves who, phone numbers and things we thought we would always remember and now cant deciepher, it was clear, conceise, and perfect.
"Never look back, Never look down, Never Let Go." It was the lyrics to a song that my partner in Basic class had found for us. It held such special meaning for me while we trained, and even more meaning when State HOSA testing had come and gone.
"It's after the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment that you realize why you do what you do." A Grey's Anatomy quote, and quite fitting. I can imagine an Ambulance, the back full of wrappers thrown haphazardly all around the ground, a small blood stain on the floor, the stretcher not quite locked in and two EMT's staring at each other, tired, exhaused, but making the save.
"I'm gonna go save lives!"
"Selfish people don't save lives!"
"It's a Name Alert!"
"You Dimwad! That's the Nurses name!"
"No man defines who you are!"
"First; Do No Harm "
"You can get through anything, all you have to do is survive."
"You and I both know its not what you look like, your job or how successful you are, its about having people in your life who love you and who you love. That is all that matters."
The last quote was written in big green letters, and I can tell from the way the handwriting looks, was written slowly and thoughtfully. As I read the quote I remember the first time I heard it, it was on an episode of Grey's Anatomy, the episode where the Ambulances crashed into each other, and they were trying to save the Paramedics hanging upside down. "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins played in the background and the Chief looked to Meredith.
"That's the job." He tells her. "Look at me. This day- this day you feel helpless. This day makes all those other days when you fight to save a lige a loose. This day makes you grateful you have a chance to do anything at all. You take it in."
I turned to my writing notebooks. I actually have a whole box full of notebooks, binders, spiral bound books and folders. To my parents dismay I wanted to keep most of my good writing and I dug into one of those boxes this afternoon, only to find the smallest blip of what I needed to get through tonight.
The vanilla color was faded into a deeper shade, resembling the tan shade that the army uses. This folder had been through alot and had no breaks, and from the scribblings on it I could tell it never had a chance to begin with. The edges were faded, and honestly I wasn't sure what I had kept it for, but then I took a closer look at the scribblings on it. It wasn't just the typical crap people write on folders, like who loves who, phone numbers and things we thought we would always remember and now cant deciepher, it was clear, conceise, and perfect.
"Never look back, Never look down, Never Let Go." It was the lyrics to a song that my partner in Basic class had found for us. It held such special meaning for me while we trained, and even more meaning when State HOSA testing had come and gone.
"It's after the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment that you realize why you do what you do." A Grey's Anatomy quote, and quite fitting. I can imagine an Ambulance, the back full of wrappers thrown haphazardly all around the ground, a small blood stain on the floor, the stretcher not quite locked in and two EMT's staring at each other, tired, exhaused, but making the save.
"I'm gonna go save lives!"
"Selfish people don't save lives!"
"It's a Name Alert!"
"You Dimwad! That's the Nurses name!"
"No man defines who you are!"
"First; Do No Harm "
"You can get through anything, all you have to do is survive."
"You and I both know its not what you look like, your job or how successful you are, its about having people in your life who love you and who you love. That is all that matters."
The last quote was written in big green letters, and I can tell from the way the handwriting looks, was written slowly and thoughtfully. As I read the quote I remember the first time I heard it, it was on an episode of Grey's Anatomy, the episode where the Ambulances crashed into each other, and they were trying to save the Paramedics hanging upside down. "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins played in the background and the Chief looked to Meredith.
"That's the job." He tells her. "Look at me. This day- this day you feel helpless. This day makes all those other days when you fight to save a lige a loose. This day makes you grateful you have a chance to do anything at all. You take it in."
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Unsure About Things
Life, the center of our universe, the reason behind our being. The reason to inhale, the reason to exhale, the reason to reproduce. It's the reason we believe in love, its why we believe in religion, and moreover, why we believe in each other.
The damn poets have tried to capture the beauty and meaning of life for others to share. They have tried to help humanity but humanity is proving to be beyond help; sadly this shows. Crimes, Vice, Wars, Random Acts of Violence, humans find hundreds of ways to act out against one another. I had come to the conclusion that life would forever remain a mystery to me. However, I got a job in a hospital, working hands on with people, and as I worked I learned.
Working with people is difficult, and at times I clock out feeling as if I want to cry. It's tough, people are beautiful, mean, kind, hard working, terrible and an arrangement of other characteristics. Some shifts are beautiful, others horrible and some are a shade of classic mediocracy. But as you deal with life, with people, you learn about them.
I never thought I would learn about life on the job.
*~*~*
The skies are finally clear, blue and sunny. I feel as if I could stare at them all day, and at times I get lost in thoughts as well as daydreams as I stare up at these big blue skies. Lately it's been me and my fiance waiting on the mail, waiting to see who will go to trade school first. I have been scared to study up in my textbooks, worried that I may get my hopes up, so instead I have been reading Peter Canning's book; Paramedic. The more I read the book, the more I realize it really is what I want to do with my life, and it gives me that extra push I need to keep hoping.
Monday and Tuesday were very rough for me. I worry that I am getting into a rut, but I also worry that if I'm stuck in the rut, I may never get out. In the break room I see other CNA's, talking about the patients, making snide remarks and talking about how long they have done this 
for. I have been a CNA for 5 years, but I can't bring myself to make those remarks, but I worry that one day, I may get to that point. Monday it was the patients and the families that got to me. Yesterday it was the nurses. Maybe they simply don't trust my skills, maybe they don't trust me. Maybe I don't trust them. Could it all be in my head? Either way I feel like I am falling into a rut, and I desperately need something to help lift me up.
for. I have been a CNA for 5 years, but I can't bring myself to make those remarks, but I worry that one day, I may get to that point. Monday it was the patients and the families that got to me. Yesterday it was the nurses. Maybe they simply don't trust my skills, maybe they don't trust me. Maybe I don't trust them. Could it all be in my head? Either way I feel like I am falling into a rut, and I desperately need something to help lift me up. I'm sure that one day I will look back at this and smile, laugh at myself for my petty worries and roll my eyes when I re-read these posts. But that is one day, and this, is today, and today I am going to worry about it, I am going to stress over it. I think I am going to take a motorcycle ride.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Test Results
For the last week I have been hunting down the mailman. You would think in today's day and age he would bring these long awaited letters and packages sooner in fear of them being taken away from him and placed in the hands of the ever-growing Internet. Instead, I wait, hoping that each day is the day that it comes.
I am waiting for test results for my fiance, which will determine who goes to school first. Paramedic school is 5 days a week, 8-9 hours a day, including ride-along hours, which will take place at any day, any time. He has encouraged me to completely focus on school, so I would have to quit my job. With his certification it is 5-6 days a week, 4-5 hours a day, and is at convenient times, but still, we want him to focus on his certification. Either way I am worried about the results, the fianances, and how it will all work out.
I love my job, and I would hate to quit my job, even if it is for school, but thats the best decision that we can come up with, for both of us. There is no excuse for failure when school is all your doing. But with my evaluation recently coming back with excellent results and the Nurses trusting me to assist them with anything and everything, I would hate to loose what I have. But I would also hate to be where I am at forever.
Because of this I have been getting lost in my thoughts, finding myself thinking about the possibilities that lay ahead. When I go, will I be the oldest in my class? Will I be the youngest in my class? What happens when I graduate? Will I be able to focus all the time? Will it overwhelm me?
I hate swimming in a sea of doubt, so I curse the mailman and get ready for work, ignoring the fact that its his fault we have continued to be this worried about these results. I just close my eyes and try to let things be. However, trying and doing, are two very different things.
I am waiting for test results for my fiance, which will determine who goes to school first. Paramedic school is 5 days a week, 8-9 hours a day, including ride-along hours, which will take place at any day, any time. He has encouraged me to completely focus on school, so I would have to quit my job. With his certification it is 5-6 days a week, 4-5 hours a day, and is at convenient times, but still, we want him to focus on his certification. Either way I am worried about the results, the fianances, and how it will all work out.
I love my job, and I would hate to quit my job, even if it is for school, but thats the best decision that we can come up with, for both of us. There is no excuse for failure when school is all your doing. But with my evaluation recently coming back with excellent results and the Nurses trusting me to assist them with anything and everything, I would hate to loose what I have. But I would also hate to be where I am at forever.
Because of this I have been getting lost in my thoughts, finding myself thinking about the possibilities that lay ahead. When I go, will I be the oldest in my class? Will I be the youngest in my class? What happens when I graduate? Will I be able to focus all the time? Will it overwhelm me?
I hate swimming in a sea of doubt, so I curse the mailman and get ready for work, ignoring the fact that its his fault we have continued to be this worried about these results. I just close my eyes and try to let things be. However, trying and doing, are two very different things.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
My Father - My Inspiration
When I volunteered as an EMT it was always me and my dad. He was my partner, and I was his. Him having his first responder license for years and being a manager in saftey for almost just as long, and me having my first responder license for just a year or two and working my way through my EMT-B license. We could have called the city medics in, but we were partners and we trusted each other, and moreover, the patients trusted us.
My dad has always been a very respectable man, standing with a tall stature, a big smile and always willing to lend a hand. He taught me how to work hard, and always pushed me to be better. To this day I still quote him; "We call it work for a reason, if work were fun, we would call it play."
Growing up, we don't take the time to think about what our parents are saying or doing, however as I get older I realize that almost every word of every bit of advice my dad gave me is true. Living on my own, I'm learning that he gave me some of the best advice and I'm doing the things he taught me how to do. My dad was the one that made me the deal; Seminary or Tech School. I choose tech school and found my way to my CNA certification. We continued the deal and I graduated with a CNA and an EMT certification, as well as my high school diplomia. He helped me get to that point where Ihave a set job for the rest of my life.
He's the parent I go to first for advice when I need it the most, because he remains practical and calm. He's the parent who will be the first to be stern, but also the first to crack a joke. He's the man who inspires me to do my best every day at work.
Happy Fathers Day Dad, I love you.
My dad has always been a very respectable man, standing with a tall stature, a big smile and always willing to lend a hand. He taught me how to work hard, and always pushed me to be better. To this day I still quote him; "We call it work for a reason, if work were fun, we would call it play."Growing up, we don't take the time to think about what our parents are saying or doing, however as I get older I realize that almost every word of every bit of advice my dad gave me is true. Living on my own, I'm learning that he gave me some of the best advice and I'm doing the things he taught me how to do. My dad was the one that made me the deal; Seminary or Tech School. I choose tech school and found my way to my CNA certification. We continued the deal and I graduated with a CNA and an EMT certification, as well as my high school diplomia. He helped me get to that point where Ihave a set job for the rest of my life.
He's the parent I go to first for advice when I need it the most, because he remains practical and calm. He's the parent who will be the first to be stern, but also the first to crack a joke. He's the man who inspires me to do my best every day at work.
Happy Fathers Day Dad, I love you.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Once Upon a Ride-Along
" Ambulance 5 report to a Female unknown. Ambulance 5."
The Intermediate jumped into the drivers seat while the Paramedic radioed with dispatch. He opened the side door on the ambulance and pointed for me to jump in, and I gladly did so. The Intermediate was a young guy, who couldn't've been older than 25 years old, with sunglasses, a farmers tan and a god complex. The Paramedic was an older guy, with the beginnings of balding patches, a hearty laugh and with a big smile.
"Buckle up." The paramedic said through the little window between the compartments, then with a lurch I heard the tires squealing against the wet asphalt and we headed down to the scene. As we drove I was jerked around and finally I found it easier to just hold on rather than stay buckled up. I heard the Paramedic yell to the Intermediate about taking the 'long way around' and then getting rather angry, I looked out the little window just as the Intermediate turned on the sirens and I felt my jaw drop as we headed into oncoming traffic. The road was under construction and only had one lane.
Cars swerved in and out of the way and we quickly made it on scene. The paramedic looked back to make sure I was okay and smiled, then we all climbed out of the rig. As I clambered out of the side door I saw that the fire department had beaten us there and I started to follow the EMT's inside.
"Stay put." The intermediate said, then they walked inside, not saying a word, let alone looking back to see what I was doing.
"But-" I started after them, then stopped and I sighed, unsure about how to take it.
"Trust me darlin', you'll be glad you listened." One of the firefighters quirked up from behind me. I looked to him and nodded,knowing it was easier just to listen to their advice. I looked up to the fireman, and I assume that the look on my face showed my confusion. "Look around." He said quietly, leaning into me. As I did so I realized everyone around me were men, and all taller than 6 feet tall. I was 5'1, and a female.
"Aw hell we'll go in with her." One of the other firefighters said to the one standing next to me. I looked to him and smiled.
"Really?" I asked and he nodded, then instructed me to go inside and grab a disposable face mask and gloves. I did so and giddily followed on the heels of these two giants as we entered the building, face mask and gloves on.
The EMT's both looked to us and nodded us over. We walked over and I could tell where we were at by the smell alone. As we stood comfortably around a cot I saw the Intermediate talking to a young girl about my age, who looked to be in pain, but I wasn't sure what kind of pain. She held her abdomen tight, but held her bottom lip out and sat straight up, talking to us normally.
"Go ahead and sit on the stretcher." The Intermediate instructed the young woman and we quickly seat belted her in and started back out and into the rig, disposing of the face masks as we did so. The Intermediate jumped back into the drivers seat, and the Paramedic led the way for us through the back doors of the rig and we got the patient situated. After a moment I heard the Intermediate radio us to the hospital and we started on our way there.
"Alrighty Dani, you've been on a call before?" The Paramedic asked. I nodded and he smiled, ushering me to go ahead and do my thing.
"Do you have any allergies?" I asked her, she shrugged. "Are you on any medications, prescribed or recreational?" She nodded and handed us a large bag, that rivaled the size of a garbage bag from off her lap. I took the bag and opened it, looking at the medications. "Which ones do you take daily?" I asked her.
"Whichever ones I want to." She said. I tried to not let my jaw drop and question her mental capacity, but asked her if any were for medical conditions that she took on a daily basis. Again she shrugged.
"Do you have any medical conditions?" She shook her head no. "What was the last thing you had to eat or drink?"
"I don't know. Don't you get that?" She said, then faked a wincing pain. I looked at her, trying to hold an expressionless face, I looked to the Paramedic who shook his head and filled out the answers as she gave them.
"Alrighty then, what were you doing before the pain started?"
"I was sitting, just like this." She replied, the faked another pain. I looked to the Paramedic.
"Now, OPQRST works well." He said, "However, asking questions that work directly with this ...problem... work just as well." I nodded and turned to the patient, whose bottom lip was sticking out recordedly farther than before and her brow looked furrorwed.
"Are you pregnant?" I asked her. She shook her head no. "Are you sexually active, and if so, is there any chance you could be pregnant?" She just stared at me and the Paramedic looked to her, then to me, who was at a loss of what to do.
"Listen, the more you answer, the more I write, the more time you get at the ED."
"I was just sitting there and it hurt." She said, then faked a moan and looked to us.
The Paramedic set down his clipboard and explained to her that he was going to palpate her abdomen for any deformatites or abnormalities, we set the stretcher back and laid her flat and he palpated her abdomen. No reaction whatsoever, he sat back and wrote more information on his clipboard and then looked to me. From his look alone I could tell what it meant.
As we arrived at the ED a ER tech came running out excitedly, "What do we got?"
"Turkey Call." The Paramedic said quietly as we pushed her into the ED. I felt excited, being able to work with the patient, but at the same time sadly let down. You only get so many hours of clinical time on the rig and I wanted mine to be well spent.
I stood behind the Paramedic as he gave report to the Nurse, who sighed at the address alone that she was picked up at. The Paramedic nodded and kept on with his report, stating his finding and then turning to me, as I handed over the enormous bag of medications. The Nurse looked at me and noticed that my shirt said 'STUDENT' on it.
"Welcome to the game kid, get used to alot of this." She said, taking the meds, then walking into the patients room. The Paramedic looked at me and patted my back.
"Believe it or not, that was the best call I could've asked for you to go on." He said, showing me a big grin. "Lets re-stock the rig and get some grub."
As I helped the Intermediate re-stock the rig and played a short game of basketball with some ER Doctors, I had no idea why everyone thought that was a good call. We did nothing, not even an IV. But, the older I get, the more I'm starting to understand that the younger you learn it, the better you get at it.
The Intermediate jumped into the drivers seat while the Paramedic radioed with dispatch. He opened the side door on the ambulance and pointed for me to jump in, and I gladly did so. The Intermediate was a young guy, who couldn't've been older than 25 years old, with sunglasses, a farmers tan and a god complex. The Paramedic was an older guy, with the beginnings of balding patches, a hearty laugh and with a big smile.
"Buckle up." The paramedic said through the little window between the compartments, then with a lurch I heard the tires squealing against the wet asphalt and we headed down to the scene. As we drove I was jerked around and finally I found it easier to just hold on rather than stay buckled up. I heard the Paramedic yell to the Intermediate about taking the 'long way around' and then getting rather angry, I looked out the little window just as the Intermediate turned on the sirens and I felt my jaw drop as we headed into oncoming traffic. The road was under construction and only had one lane.
Cars swerved in and out of the way and we quickly made it on scene. The paramedic looked back to make sure I was okay and smiled, then we all climbed out of the rig. As I clambered out of the side door I saw that the fire department had beaten us there and I started to follow the EMT's inside.
"Stay put." The intermediate said, then they walked inside, not saying a word, let alone looking back to see what I was doing.
"But-" I started after them, then stopped and I sighed, unsure about how to take it.
"Trust me darlin', you'll be glad you listened." One of the firefighters quirked up from behind me. I looked to him and nodded,knowing it was easier just to listen to their advice. I looked up to the fireman, and I assume that the look on my face showed my confusion. "Look around." He said quietly, leaning into me. As I did so I realized everyone around me were men, and all taller than 6 feet tall. I was 5'1, and a female.
"Aw hell we'll go in with her." One of the other firefighters said to the one standing next to me. I looked to him and smiled.
"Really?" I asked and he nodded, then instructed me to go inside and grab a disposable face mask and gloves. I did so and giddily followed on the heels of these two giants as we entered the building, face mask and gloves on.
The EMT's both looked to us and nodded us over. We walked over and I could tell where we were at by the smell alone. As we stood comfortably around a cot I saw the Intermediate talking to a young girl about my age, who looked to be in pain, but I wasn't sure what kind of pain. She held her abdomen tight, but held her bottom lip out and sat straight up, talking to us normally.
"Go ahead and sit on the stretcher." The Intermediate instructed the young woman and we quickly seat belted her in and started back out and into the rig, disposing of the face masks as we did so. The Intermediate jumped back into the drivers seat, and the Paramedic led the way for us through the back doors of the rig and we got the patient situated. After a moment I heard the Intermediate radio us to the hospital and we started on our way there.
"Alrighty Dani, you've been on a call before?" The Paramedic asked. I nodded and he smiled, ushering me to go ahead and do my thing.
"Do you have any allergies?" I asked her, she shrugged. "Are you on any medications, prescribed or recreational?" She nodded and handed us a large bag, that rivaled the size of a garbage bag from off her lap. I took the bag and opened it, looking at the medications. "Which ones do you take daily?" I asked her.
"Whichever ones I want to." She said. I tried to not let my jaw drop and question her mental capacity, but asked her if any were for medical conditions that she took on a daily basis. Again she shrugged.
"Do you have any medical conditions?" She shook her head no. "What was the last thing you had to eat or drink?"
"I don't know. Don't you get that?" She said, then faked a wincing pain. I looked at her, trying to hold an expressionless face, I looked to the Paramedic who shook his head and filled out the answers as she gave them.
"Alrighty then, what were you doing before the pain started?"
"I was sitting, just like this." She replied, the faked another pain. I looked to the Paramedic.
"Now, OPQRST works well." He said, "However, asking questions that work directly with this ...problem... work just as well." I nodded and turned to the patient, whose bottom lip was sticking out recordedly farther than before and her brow looked furrorwed.
"Are you pregnant?" I asked her. She shook her head no. "Are you sexually active, and if so, is there any chance you could be pregnant?" She just stared at me and the Paramedic looked to her, then to me, who was at a loss of what to do.
"Listen, the more you answer, the more I write, the more time you get at the ED."
"I was just sitting there and it hurt." She said, then faked a moan and looked to us.
The Paramedic set down his clipboard and explained to her that he was going to palpate her abdomen for any deformatites or abnormalities, we set the stretcher back and laid her flat and he palpated her abdomen. No reaction whatsoever, he sat back and wrote more information on his clipboard and then looked to me. From his look alone I could tell what it meant.
As we arrived at the ED a ER tech came running out excitedly, "What do we got?"
"Turkey Call." The Paramedic said quietly as we pushed her into the ED. I felt excited, being able to work with the patient, but at the same time sadly let down. You only get so many hours of clinical time on the rig and I wanted mine to be well spent.
I stood behind the Paramedic as he gave report to the Nurse, who sighed at the address alone that she was picked up at. The Paramedic nodded and kept on with his report, stating his finding and then turning to me, as I handed over the enormous bag of medications. The Nurse looked at me and noticed that my shirt said 'STUDENT' on it.
"Welcome to the game kid, get used to alot of this." She said, taking the meds, then walking into the patients room. The Paramedic looked at me and patted my back.
"Believe it or not, that was the best call I could've asked for you to go on." He said, showing me a big grin. "Lets re-stock the rig and get some grub."
As I helped the Intermediate re-stock the rig and played a short game of basketball with some ER Doctors, I had no idea why everyone thought that was a good call. We did nothing, not even an IV. But, the older I get, the more I'm starting to understand that the younger you learn it, the better you get at it.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tears, Frusteration and Feeling Overwhelmed.
As my body collapsed into a sitting position on the box of medical supplies I felt everything else grow weak. It was the first time I had been able to sit in hours, and as my muscles relaxed I suddenly realized how fragile I feel. I buried my face in my hands and sniffed as hot tears escaped my eyes, staining my cheeks and landing haphazardly on my scrubs. Generally I never cry, but tonight I catered to those emotions and let them come, reliving the events that brought me to this point.
"You're putting the CPM on wrong!" A patients family member yelled at me. I had already had to fix a few errors about placement of the immobilizer, the CPM and her drains and other miscellaneous tubes, and suddenly I realized that the patient may not be the one to blame. She kept trying to push past me and was throwing an elbow into me. Frustrated I turned around.
"Do YOU do this for a living?" I asked her, trying to remain as calm and cool as I could, but feeling my pulse pounding wildly.
"Well, no, but-"
"Then let me do my job, because my job is to take care of your family member, and I do a damn good job of it." I then finished putting the CPM in place, double checked my work and then spoke only to the patient. Frustrated I left the room only to see more call lights going off. One of the Nurses was helping ,but I wondered where the other was as the two of us ran room to room trying to deal with this mess.
It was only three hours into my twelve hour shift, and I hadn't quit running since I got there. Not only did I only have the help of one of the two Nurses, but one of the doctors had made early rounds, and even though they are amazing people, they are similar to hurricanes. They come into the room, where the patient is in order and their room is tidy and leave the patient with the blankets thrown around everywhere, their bandages cut off and their machines placed all around the room, and leave them for us to clean up. Generally I don't mind cleaning up after them, however tonight we were busy, and that just added to the mess. Not to mention the other nurse was collecting orders and reading them off to me in what seemed to be an endless list.
"Dani!" She yelled after me. "Room 100 wants dinner, room 99 wants to go to the bathroom, room 98 wants soup and crackers and room 97 need an IV pole in their room."
'Do it your damn self.' I thought, but trudged on to the galley to continue on the seemingly endless task.
As I was assisting a patient up for the first time since her surgery, I kept following protocol and trying to take a minute or two, to avoid the one tequila two tequila phenomenon. I try to explain to all patients that getting up from surgery is a long process, it has 4 steps and that its similar to taking tequila shots, if you go too fast, you will find that '4 tequila equals floor.' And we simply can't have that.
"Are you dizzy, lightheaded or nauseated?" I asked the patient, looking at her face closely and watching her expressions, trying to read through her words and translate whats really going on. She seemed like a sweet enough gal, but I had to be sure.
"No." She said, then took a step. I asked her again, and again, her reply was "No."
After taking her to the restroom and back the Nurse confronted me and was frustrated that I had gotten her up and let her walk when she was dizzy and nauseated. I looked at the Nurse, frustrated that she had lied about that, and more frustrated that I was getting in trouble for it.
At a brief moment of rest the night nurses and I vented to each other about everything from cars to family to men. As I had my turn venting the Nurse stopped me to inform me that I was wrong on my opinion. I stopped and felt my jaw drop a little, unsure about if I had really heard her right. She was a smart enough woman that I didn't think she would do that, so I shrugged it off and we continued talking, but moments later she jumped in on me for being wrong again. It didn't matter what I said, she wanted to prove me wrong.
"You did what?"
"Dani did you fix that yet?"
"What was the temp in room 96?"
"Rooms 95 and 94 need to go to the bathroom."
"Did 93 and 92 get dinner?"
Call lights endlessly dinged and pulse oximiter machines rang and the staff kept asking questions, making my to-do list and adding to it, and finally the insult to my personality and who I was lead me to politely excuse myself to do vitals, then ducking into this storage closet and breaking down.
My shoulders shook as I bent over, gasping for breath and wiping my eyes, cursing myself and everything to do with this shift every chance I got. As the tears continued to fall I started to second guess myself, my skills and why I was doing what I'm doing. I sniffed loudly and tried to stop crying, but finally gave up, and let myself cry.
"You're putting the CPM on wrong!" A patients family member yelled at me. I had already had to fix a few errors about placement of the immobilizer, the CPM and her drains and other miscellaneous tubes, and suddenly I realized that the patient may not be the one to blame. She kept trying to push past me and was throwing an elbow into me. Frustrated I turned around.
"Do YOU do this for a living?" I asked her, trying to remain as calm and cool as I could, but feeling my pulse pounding wildly.
"Well, no, but-"
"Then let me do my job, because my job is to take care of your family member, and I do a damn good job of it." I then finished putting the CPM in place, double checked my work and then spoke only to the patient. Frustrated I left the room only to see more call lights going off. One of the Nurses was helping ,but I wondered where the other was as the two of us ran room to room trying to deal with this mess.
It was only three hours into my twelve hour shift, and I hadn't quit running since I got there. Not only did I only have the help of one of the two Nurses, but one of the doctors had made early rounds, and even though they are amazing people, they are similar to hurricanes. They come into the room, where the patient is in order and their room is tidy and leave the patient with the blankets thrown around everywhere, their bandages cut off and their machines placed all around the room, and leave them for us to clean up. Generally I don't mind cleaning up after them, however tonight we were busy, and that just added to the mess. Not to mention the other nurse was collecting orders and reading them off to me in what seemed to be an endless list.
"Dani!" She yelled after me. "Room 100 wants dinner, room 99 wants to go to the bathroom, room 98 wants soup and crackers and room 97 need an IV pole in their room."
'Do it your damn self.' I thought, but trudged on to the galley to continue on the seemingly endless task.
As I was assisting a patient up for the first time since her surgery, I kept following protocol and trying to take a minute or two, to avoid the one tequila two tequila phenomenon. I try to explain to all patients that getting up from surgery is a long process, it has 4 steps and that its similar to taking tequila shots, if you go too fast, you will find that '4 tequila equals floor.' And we simply can't have that.
"Are you dizzy, lightheaded or nauseated?" I asked the patient, looking at her face closely and watching her expressions, trying to read through her words and translate whats really going on. She seemed like a sweet enough gal, but I had to be sure.
"No." She said, then took a step. I asked her again, and again, her reply was "No."
After taking her to the restroom and back the Nurse confronted me and was frustrated that I had gotten her up and let her walk when she was dizzy and nauseated. I looked at the Nurse, frustrated that she had lied about that, and more frustrated that I was getting in trouble for it.
At a brief moment of rest the night nurses and I vented to each other about everything from cars to family to men. As I had my turn venting the Nurse stopped me to inform me that I was wrong on my opinion. I stopped and felt my jaw drop a little, unsure about if I had really heard her right. She was a smart enough woman that I didn't think she would do that, so I shrugged it off and we continued talking, but moments later she jumped in on me for being wrong again. It didn't matter what I said, she wanted to prove me wrong.
"You did what?"
"Dani did you fix that yet?"
"What was the temp in room 96?"
"Rooms 95 and 94 need to go to the bathroom."
"Did 93 and 92 get dinner?"
Call lights endlessly dinged and pulse oximiter machines rang and the staff kept asking questions, making my to-do list and adding to it, and finally the insult to my personality and who I was lead me to politely excuse myself to do vitals, then ducking into this storage closet and breaking down.
My shoulders shook as I bent over, gasping for breath and wiping my eyes, cursing myself and everything to do with this shift every chance I got. As the tears continued to fall I started to second guess myself, my skills and why I was doing what I'm doing. I sniffed loudly and tried to stop crying, but finally gave up, and let myself cry.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Lives and Sirens
Last night I was up late, digging through an old box of notebooks when I stumbled across some excellent pieces of writing I have done. For as long as I can remember, writing as been my passion, but these pieces are about my career passion. Since last night's shift was short and mostly dull, I figured I would share these bits with you. All of these bits are actual events that have happened in my life; and have definitely made me better for it.
_______________________________________
Almost all the girls I know love to shop. The lip gloss, heels, the sick obsessions that the worshipers of the estrogen throne embrace. Frankly, I find it disgusting; then again, some fine my obsession sick as well. Difference is, I heal people.
My cheap thrills come from a body craving a hormone; Adrenaline. The stimulus of this is so much cooler than it sounds; the sound of a siren heading towards a code delta, The flashing lights heading towards a code Charlie. There is something addictive and sexy about the color of an ambulance, and honestly, I don't know why anybody does drugs.
Clearly, I am not normal, and that's okay. I don't live for normality. I live this life to save others; I am an EMT.
There is this scene that plays in my head, its as if my dramatic life turns into a movie. This scene includes dancing, a catchy tune from Elvis and a horde of firemen. Its the closing scene for my struggles, for when my goals are all met and I finally get my happily ever after. That moment is what I know will never happen, but I still pretend I will land it. Unfortunately I'm pretty aware my life isn't going to end on a moral high note, no matter how hard I try.
________________________________
I was a seventeen year old dreamer, full of drive, determination and ambition. I was different from the other girls. They wore lipstick and miniskirts, I wore tennis shoes and my EMT hoodie. I worked on trucks and was obsessed with the sound of sirens, being the first to hear one wherever I was at. I sat on the front row of my EMT class, the more I knew, the more I could do.
Every session of basic class we were allowed a ten minute break, and we spent most of it grabbing food or taking a 5 minute breather outside of the classroom. I had been anxious most of the day and decided to spend the break walking outside, trying to burn off the extra energy. Across the street from our building was a cemetery, and as I walked outside I saw it surrounded by fire trucks, ambulances and police cars, all of which had their lights on.
"Oh my gosh..." I whispered, feeling the cool autumn air against my face.
"EMT John Doe Please Respond." A single voice called out from one of the rigs. Nothing happened, and goosebumps ran up and down my spine. "EMT John Doe Please Respond." They called for him three more times before their final call . "EMT John Doe has fallen."
The sirens wailed and I felt myself try not to cry and I watched the scene. I felt a classmates hand on my back as he joined me and we watched the scene in silence. It was tragic, but it was so inspiring. It was that reinforcer that I needed and taught me that regardless of what happens, your team will be there to the grave.
__________________________________________
_______________________________________
Almost all the girls I know love to shop. The lip gloss, heels, the sick obsessions that the worshipers of the estrogen throne embrace. Frankly, I find it disgusting; then again, some fine my obsession sick as well. Difference is, I heal people.
My cheap thrills come from a body craving a hormone; Adrenaline. The stimulus of this is so much cooler than it sounds; the sound of a siren heading towards a code delta, The flashing lights heading towards a code Charlie. There is something addictive and sexy about the color of an ambulance, and honestly, I don't know why anybody does drugs.
Clearly, I am not normal, and that's okay. I don't live for normality. I live this life to save others; I am an EMT.
There is this scene that plays in my head, its as if my dramatic life turns into a movie. This scene includes dancing, a catchy tune from Elvis and a horde of firemen. Its the closing scene for my struggles, for when my goals are all met and I finally get my happily ever after. That moment is what I know will never happen, but I still pretend I will land it. Unfortunately I'm pretty aware my life isn't going to end on a moral high note, no matter how hard I try.
________________________________
I was a seventeen year old dreamer, full of drive, determination and ambition. I was different from the other girls. They wore lipstick and miniskirts, I wore tennis shoes and my EMT hoodie. I worked on trucks and was obsessed with the sound of sirens, being the first to hear one wherever I was at. I sat on the front row of my EMT class, the more I knew, the more I could do.
Every session of basic class we were allowed a ten minute break, and we spent most of it grabbing food or taking a 5 minute breather outside of the classroom. I had been anxious most of the day and decided to spend the break walking outside, trying to burn off the extra energy. Across the street from our building was a cemetery, and as I walked outside I saw it surrounded by fire trucks, ambulances and police cars, all of which had their lights on.
"Oh my gosh..." I whispered, feeling the cool autumn air against my face.
"EMT John Doe Please Respond." A single voice called out from one of the rigs. Nothing happened, and goosebumps ran up and down my spine. "EMT John Doe Please Respond." They called for him three more times before their final call . "EMT John Doe has fallen."
The sirens wailed and I felt myself try not to cry and I watched the scene. I felt a classmates hand on my back as he joined me and we watched the scene in silence. It was tragic, but it was so inspiring. It was that reinforcer that I needed and taught me that regardless of what happens, your team will be there to the grave.
__________________________________________
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Superstition, Evaluations and Learning
I have this insane superstition that if I see an ambulance or fire truck pass me on the way into work that it will be a good night, if i see an Air Ambulance or a ambulance with lights on, its going to be an amazing night. Crazy, let me be the first to agree with you on that, but somehow it seems to work out that way. When I was worried about taking my car into a repair shop, I passed an ambulance with its lights on as I pulled out of the shop, and without fail they have been the biggest help. When I made a moral decision over all else regarding my EMT classes, I passed a huge collision with multiple ambulances, and it has turned out for the best.
So when I passed three ambulances, a fire truck with its lights on and watched our local Air Ambulance land on the hospital, all before even clocking in, I knew it was going to be a fantastic night. Honestly its good to know that it lived up to the expectations I set out for it.
The hospital is so incredibly noisy during the first few hours that I am working there. Everything seems to make noise; call lights, IV pumps, phones, pagers, Sp02 monitors, bed alarms, visitors, patients, and us, as we are yelling to doctors, answering these phones and begging the Nurses to go see the patient already, even if they have been in there 10 times in the last hour. Throughout all of this noise I recieved my patients and grabbed the other aide for report, realizing how awesome my patients were going to be.
After last weeks respiratory precautions the staff was alarmed and although they had been fitted, didn't want to 'expose' themselves, so I got nominated to have a new patient with the same diagnosis. Same thing, different week; strap papper around my waist, put on blue gown, put on gloves, and finally put the papper on my head. Its a workout all in itself but after gearing up, I felt like a superhero jumping into action.
Gowning up to go into that room is very similar to going into surgery with all the gowns, gloves, shoe covers, and masks that you need. As I was pulling everything off before leaving the patients room I looked at my tennis shoes and smiled. I had bought these now old shoes the first week I started working at my primary unit, and had worn them every shift since. These shoes had gotten me in places I never thought I would; I have been into the OR's, in a recovery room, inside an ambulance. These shoes have tripped me into the laps of Firemen and have kept me walking that extra hour or so as we push through the last bit of the shift. These shoes have helped me run from the patients room to the doctors down the hall, and were the first thing I bought with a paycheck from the hospital. I smiled as I thought of my first pair of EMT boots that I will one day buy, and where those would take me.
Halfway into my shift I got pulled into the boss woman's office, where she informed me it was evaluation season at the hospital. (Apparently evaluation season is like tax season, but no one gets more money, just the stresses of another interview with what can be an intimidating woman.) Nodding, I told her where my red packet was located, on my primary unit, and we agreed for an evaluation later. However, as lucky as I am to have escaped that evaluation- I still have my other evaulation on my primary unit today. Wish me luck, I am nervous as ever!
One thing that my boss on last nights unit mentioned was that she loved that I tried to learn from my patients, and that she was glad that I am always trying to learn from the job, not from the textbooks. I laughed and nodded my head, little did she know a patient had found out I was an EMT and just sat me down and given me all of his 'best advice' as well as 'all the good info the world doesn't offer' before that meeting.
My favorite thing in the world while working in a hospital is when a patient asks you about your career goals. As a CNA, your the peon, the bottom of the totem pole, but there's so much room to grow and almost all CNA's become RN's. However, I'm different and I love to watch peoples reactions as they ask me, when I tell them I'm going to become a Paramedic, they tell me; "Your either crazy or an adrenaline junkie." Maybe their right, but I'm happy being both.
So when I passed three ambulances, a fire truck with its lights on and watched our local Air Ambulance land on the hospital, all before even clocking in, I knew it was going to be a fantastic night. Honestly its good to know that it lived up to the expectations I set out for it.
The hospital is so incredibly noisy during the first few hours that I am working there. Everything seems to make noise; call lights, IV pumps, phones, pagers, Sp02 monitors, bed alarms, visitors, patients, and us, as we are yelling to doctors, answering these phones and begging the Nurses to go see the patient already, even if they have been in there 10 times in the last hour. Throughout all of this noise I recieved my patients and grabbed the other aide for report, realizing how awesome my patients were going to be.
After last weeks respiratory precautions the staff was alarmed and although they had been fitted, didn't want to 'expose' themselves, so I got nominated to have a new patient with the same diagnosis. Same thing, different week; strap papper around my waist, put on blue gown, put on gloves, and finally put the papper on my head. Its a workout all in itself but after gearing up, I felt like a superhero jumping into action.
Gowning up to go into that room is very similar to going into surgery with all the gowns, gloves, shoe covers, and masks that you need. As I was pulling everything off before leaving the patients room I looked at my tennis shoes and smiled. I had bought these now old shoes the first week I started working at my primary unit, and had worn them every shift since. These shoes had gotten me in places I never thought I would; I have been into the OR's, in a recovery room, inside an ambulance. These shoes have tripped me into the laps of Firemen and have kept me walking that extra hour or so as we push through the last bit of the shift. These shoes have helped me run from the patients room to the doctors down the hall, and were the first thing I bought with a paycheck from the hospital. I smiled as I thought of my first pair of EMT boots that I will one day buy, and where those would take me.
Halfway into my shift I got pulled into the boss woman's office, where she informed me it was evaluation season at the hospital. (Apparently evaluation season is like tax season, but no one gets more money, just the stresses of another interview with what can be an intimidating woman.) Nodding, I told her where my red packet was located, on my primary unit, and we agreed for an evaluation later. However, as lucky as I am to have escaped that evaluation- I still have my other evaulation on my primary unit today. Wish me luck, I am nervous as ever!
One thing that my boss on last nights unit mentioned was that she loved that I tried to learn from my patients, and that she was glad that I am always trying to learn from the job, not from the textbooks. I laughed and nodded my head, little did she know a patient had found out I was an EMT and just sat me down and given me all of his 'best advice' as well as 'all the good info the world doesn't offer' before that meeting.
My favorite thing in the world while working in a hospital is when a patient asks you about your career goals. As a CNA, your the peon, the bottom of the totem pole, but there's so much room to grow and almost all CNA's become RN's. However, I'm different and I love to watch peoples reactions as they ask me, when I tell them I'm going to become a Paramedic, they tell me; "Your either crazy or an adrenaline junkie." Maybe their right, but I'm happy being both.
Monday, June 15, 2009
When Your Busy Making Other Plans
Life happens when your busy making other plans.
Yesterday my boyfriend and I took a drive up and into the mountains and as took a hike in the rainy weather, it was beautiful and we were the only two up there. As I paused to take a picture he dropped to one knee and as I turned around I saw him there, ring in hand. I almost cried, I was too busy making plans for the other part of my life to realize this part of life was happening. But it did, and I kissed him and gave him my answer 'YES!'
The last few months I have been focused on the upcoming EMT-I course, passing time til I can start applications for transfers to the ER, and waiting until I am 21 so I can work on an ambulance. Meanwhile I was busy planning my life and career, and not even worried about the rest of it, but life happens.
Yesterday my boyfriend and I took a drive up and into the mountains and as took a hike in the rainy weather, it was beautiful and we were the only two up there. As I paused to take a picture he dropped to one knee and as I turned around I saw him there, ring in hand. I almost cried, I was too busy making plans for the other part of my life to realize this part of life was happening. But it did, and I kissed him and gave him my answer 'YES!'Its a whole different chapter of my life, a chapter I didn't really think through, spending all of my time thinking about my life once I was a Flight Nurse and about all the lives I would save. But this is something I have always wanted in my life.
Before bed last night I joked with him, about kids and how they would survive with a Paramedic mother and a Cop for a father (that's what he is going into). He laughed and gave me the best answer; "Well, we definitley wont be spending alot of time in ER's, and if we do, you'll probably pick the best one, not closest one, and if they get in trouble we'll have some 'come to jesus' talks. They'll be scared to screw with us." Both of us burst out laughing.
Sometimes I wake up and stare at the ceiling, wondering if life had really happened. Sometimes I stare at the wall and wonder if I have done it right. Is there a right way to live?
But this morning I woke up and looked at my left hand and smiled. It really did happen, and its a new chapter of my life I am more than happy to embrace. I'm an adventure seeker, and its just more adventure to be had.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A Few Thank You's Are in Order
I have a few people to thank for the quick popularity and notice of my blog. I first off wanted to thank my friends and family, thanks for reading even though its boring for you guys. 
Also I wanted to thank all the new readers and other bloggers who have added me to their blog lists, it means alot to me to have my name up there with the big shots! Every time I catch it on a new blog it really makes my day.
Also I wanted to thank all the new readers and other bloggers who have added me to their blog lists, it means alot to me to have my name up there with the big shots! Every time I catch it on a new blog it really makes my day.Lastly I would like to thank the anonymous submitter who sent in this photo. I started laughing so hard when I saw it- I LOVE it!
More posts to come- until then BSI!
XOXO- D
Friday, June 12, 2009
Humanity and Rainy Nights
Rain patted rhythmically against his window as I walked into his dimly lit room. I could hear him breathing softly and looked to see both him and his wife sleeping soundly, him in his hospital bed, wrapped up in sheets, blankets and pillows, while his young wife slept quietly in a recliner she had drug right next to his bed. Quietly, I wrote my name on the board and left the room, admiring the scene for a moment before I left.
Every now and then human beings suprise me, just when life gets dim, or when things seem to be so out of control things happen that take your breath away and leave you suprised. Humanitiy is a strange thing, and a stranger concept and the thought of all the different cultures, meanings, religions, and people just astound me. Maybe thats why I went into medicine, to embed myself into learning all I can about humanity.
With the lack of excitement the unit holds I am able to sit back and think about things, and play out scenarios in my mind, like how the patient came to be in our care, and how long he had waitied for this last procedure. As I daydreamed, I grabbed his chart and began to learn about my patient. Each sentence got harder and harder to read as I realized that what got him in here was beyond what I could have daydreamed. Mad at myself, I slammed the chart shut, put it away and walked down to the galley. Once protected from the rest of the unit I hung my head and sniffed, unsure about why I was so emotional about a simple diagnosis, but sure that I was wanting more than anything to take away all this poor mans pain.
Rain patted against the window as I sat in an empty room, simply staring out into the dark skies, listening as the rain refused to stop. I wrapped myself tighter in the blanket and looked around the room, looking for anything to inspire me. Sharps container, gloves, trays, suction canisters, soft suction catherters, postivie pressure ventilation masks, oxygen, not even the code blue light could entice me into feeling like the incredibly strong healthcare professional I am.
Saving lives is second nature, caring for human beings is all that I ever wanted to do with my life. Patients consider us 'gods mechanics'. People depend on us, and throughout all that we are trained to do, all that we do in the attempts to save lifes is done for them.
For people. For humanity.
The rain is still patting against those same windows, and the night is still young and dark, but I hold my head high and approach my patients with confidence, because they are depending on me for all their needs. And I am more than willing to help with all of it.
Every now and then human beings suprise me, just when life gets dim, or when things seem to be so out of control things happen that take your breath away and leave you suprised. Humanitiy is a strange thing, and a stranger concept and the thought of all the different cultures, meanings, religions, and people just astound me. Maybe thats why I went into medicine, to embed myself into learning all I can about humanity.
With the lack of excitement the unit holds I am able to sit back and think about things, and play out scenarios in my mind, like how the patient came to be in our care, and how long he had waitied for this last procedure. As I daydreamed, I grabbed his chart and began to learn about my patient. Each sentence got harder and harder to read as I realized that what got him in here was beyond what I could have daydreamed. Mad at myself, I slammed the chart shut, put it away and walked down to the galley. Once protected from the rest of the unit I hung my head and sniffed, unsure about why I was so emotional about a simple diagnosis, but sure that I was wanting more than anything to take away all this poor mans pain.
Rain patted against the window as I sat in an empty room, simply staring out into the dark skies, listening as the rain refused to stop. I wrapped myself tighter in the blanket and looked around the room, looking for anything to inspire me. Sharps container, gloves, trays, suction canisters, soft suction catherters, postivie pressure ventilation masks, oxygen, not even the code blue light could entice me into feeling like the incredibly strong healthcare professional I am.
Saving lives is second nature, caring for human beings is all that I ever wanted to do with my life. Patients consider us 'gods mechanics'. People depend on us, and throughout all that we are trained to do, all that we do in the attempts to save lifes is done for them.
For people. For humanity.
The rain is still patting against those same windows, and the night is still young and dark, but I hold my head high and approach my patients with confidence, because they are depending on me for all their needs. And I am more than willing to help with all of it.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Life Goes On
I live close to the high school where I spent 3 years attending. I drive by the places I did my clinicals for CNA and EMT every week, without fail. The location of the schools are on the college campus, so my history is still a huge part of my everyday life. The other day we drove past the high school on our way home from a friends house and one of my friends asked us if we ever missed it, and it got me thinking.
We used to come to school at 6 am so that we could sneak onto the roof and eat breakfast while watching the sunrise, we would skip any class with a subsitute so we could go mudding, spent hours studying for competitions, and lived for the moment. The future was so far away, and thinking about life in a negative aspect made us like our parents. It was fun, it was amazing and I wouldn't've traded it for the world.
I don't miss it, because the person I wanted to be is the person I am, which now gives me hope that the person I want to become now is who I am heading towards. Yesterday I was flipping channels while doing laundry and came across this song, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I immediately fell in love with the lyrics, they fit so perfectly.
"Oh, Life goes on, And it's only gonna make me strong
Its a fact, once you get on board Say good-bye 'cause you can't go back
Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where I'm at, is my life before me and this feelin' that I can't go back
Wish I knew then, what I know now
You held all the cards, and sold me out
Baby shame on you if you fool me once Shame on me if you fool me twice
You've been a pretty hard case to crack
Should've known better but I didn't And I can't go back"
-Leann Rimes (Life Goes On)
Its an understatment saying that I have been through alot in a short while, and this song reminded me of everything that I have had to overcome. Like a music video events flashed through my mind; loosing friends and family, visiting new babies in the hospital, weddings, divorces, new jobs, interviews, moments with friends, laughter and tears. I snapped back to reality and where I am at now, towel in hand, folding laundry. Even now things get in the way, but its true, life does go on.
So as I'm getting ready for work, studying my EMT stuff I am taking in the moment, enjoying it for all its worth, life moves too fast as it is, so why not enjoy it. I have since given up the wish for a rewind button.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
How Far We've Come
When I think back on it, it was always just the five of us, crazy kids, worryless adults, just trying to survive. We were four hicks and a chick, and we were instoppable, the world was at our feet, and we didn't even realize it, we just kept living like the world had already done us wrong by making us grow up.
-I have learned that there are times where its okay to follow the rules, but you will never forget the times you broke them for the first time.
It was always blue eyes and blue jeans. It was always busting our asses just to fix an old beat-up truck. Anything domestic besides beer was laughed at and we lived for Friday nights. Grades were a suggestion, homework an option and we made things work for us. Life was good.
When I realize where we are at now, its still just five of us, we are still crazy, but no longer kids. Our mudding trips have been replaced with movie nights. Grades are no longer an option and we aren't acting out, we are doing what we think we are supposed to in life. We used to crowd around campfires, now we are crowded around anything but. We used to save each other and take chances with our lives, feeling invincibile, now we realize how quick its going and that we will not live forever. However, I have learned a ton since then.
-I have learned that there are times where its okay to follow the rules, but you will never forget the times you broke them for the first time.-I have learned that regardless of what the weatherman says, it is always sunny, you just have to look past the cloud cover, its always there.
-I have learned that its not okay to always go with the flow, and its always important to listen to your heart in all matters.
-I have learned that people give second chances more times than not, and I have come to understand the importance of these second chances. Third chances don't exsist.
Those are just a few things that I have learned, all from personal experience. After re-reading a few of my posts and comments I got to thinking about life, the to-do list and whats next in life for me. I have conqured a ton of the little hills I set out for myself, but there's still more to do. I have gotten my piercings (and they meant something to me as well), I have ridden in an ambulance, I have changed a life, I have worked side-by-side with a doctor, just to name a few. You don't realize how far you've come until you step back and look at it.
Nothing exciting happened at work last night, I had a heavy patient load, but the nurses were excellent about giving me a hand, and everything ran so smoothly, it truly made up for all the drama on Monday. I cannot believe I have been working there 9 months now, but I have loved almost each and every day, (I honestly can only gripe about 2 patients, max) and I have learned so much. I have helped recover patients from surgery, I have assisted doctors with dressing changes, I have assisted the nurse with any and all invasive and non-invasive procedures, and most importantly I have come to learn more about life and myself.
In the blog heading, it says 'I never thought I would learn about life on the job.' I wish I could explain the feeling I get in my heart every time I think about everything I have learned from my patients, from their experiences. Working with them, learning from them has made me better, smarter and more compassionate. I have learned about the blue skies, about the love from a parent to a child, about addictions, taking a stand for yourself, and so many more lessons. We take for granted the beauty of our job, from time to time we gripe, moan and bitch, and with good reason! But I strongly believe that if we step back from time to time and see how much we've learned, we would be hesitant to bitch and moan.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The Girl Who Lived
Bad nights at work make it that much harder to blog about the next day, and all because I hate to whine, but last night, was one of the worst.Actually arriving an hour early to work, I decided to wander the massive hospital and see what I could discover. It only took me two minutes to find the ED and I was hooked, however I was quickly asked to leave and ended up escorting a patient back to their room, which happened to be on my unit, so I stayed put and studied up on my EMT stuff. After a decent study period I clocked in and started my shift. I had the good section of the unit, almost all private rooms and lots of discharges.
'The nurses must love me.' I thought. This attitude quickly changed.
Suddenly we are halted from entering one of my patients room, and she is on the call light. I suddenly become aware that doctors are everywhere and I quietly stand by the charge nurses desk to try to figure out whats going on. Guess what? The diagnosis wasa respiratory precaution, (I'm sure one of you can guess which one it was) and since lots of us had been in and out of that room, we had all been exposed. Luckily the staff was awfully quick in fitting us for a respirator, and I had to have the one that looked like a spacesuit. I was scared, and moreover, I was worried. This was my 'dirty unit', and during the rest of the week I work in a 'sterile feild,' I didn't want to miss out on work in the unit I loved.
When I saw the patient I cursed myself for not going in there sooner. I cursed myself for not volunteering to help her, and for being as worried as I let myself be. Here was a human being who was sick, scared and now here we are in space suits, she was human, and we weren't treating her as such. We were treating her like her diagnosis.
I couldn't keep up with the work load, and patients were yelling at me for this. Other aides wouldn't help me with my call lights and I was frusterated. Gearing up took 10 minutes, so getting to my one patient took about 15 minutes. Helping others to the restroom usually took 10 minutes, last night took 20. Things were falling behind and noone wanted to listen.
Report was the most frutsterating. The aides wouldn't listen, they wanted to read what the 'computer said.' Well, the computer was wrong on almost ALL the diagnosis' and was simply for the HUC's purpose. Finally, I had to explain my respiratory precautions patient to the new aide. She was a sweet gal, but she really didn't understand why she needed to go in there at all. "But we will be exposed!" She said.
"Yes, we will, but if you wear this respirator and report that you went in there, then you will be okay, they will fill out the appropriate paperwork and if you have symptoms, call and you will get the time off work." I looked at her and turned off the monitor so that she could look at me. "She is scared. She is sick and she is human." I said slowly, the aide looked confused and I told her the diagnosis. The aide's face fell.
"She has WHAT?!?" she exclaimed. I nodded, that was pretty much my reaction too.
"She is scared. She is sick. It is our JOB to care for her. She is the same as any other patient, you just wear a respirator." As she wrote down the details I sat back in the chair and exhaled slowly. Patient's yelling at me, threats for following simple orders, scary diagnosis', and all the crap in between. I love my job, and last night, I did my job, but not as well as I wanted to. And I HATE that.
'The nurses must love me.' I thought. This attitude quickly changed.
Suddenly we are halted from entering one of my patients room, and she is on the call light. I suddenly become aware that doctors are everywhere and I quietly stand by the charge nurses desk to try to figure out whats going on. Guess what? The diagnosis wasa respiratory precaution, (I'm sure one of you can guess which one it was) and since lots of us had been in and out of that room, we had all been exposed. Luckily the staff was awfully quick in fitting us for a respirator, and I had to have the one that looked like a spacesuit. I was scared, and moreover, I was worried. This was my 'dirty unit', and during the rest of the week I work in a 'sterile feild,' I didn't want to miss out on work in the unit I loved.
When I saw the patient I cursed myself for not going in there sooner. I cursed myself for not volunteering to help her, and for being as worried as I let myself be. Here was a human being who was sick, scared and now here we are in space suits, she was human, and we weren't treating her as such. We were treating her like her diagnosis.
I couldn't keep up with the work load, and patients were yelling at me for this. Other aides wouldn't help me with my call lights and I was frusterated. Gearing up took 10 minutes, so getting to my one patient took about 15 minutes. Helping others to the restroom usually took 10 minutes, last night took 20. Things were falling behind and noone wanted to listen.
Report was the most frutsterating. The aides wouldn't listen, they wanted to read what the 'computer said.' Well, the computer was wrong on almost ALL the diagnosis' and was simply for the HUC's purpose. Finally, I had to explain my respiratory precautions patient to the new aide. She was a sweet gal, but she really didn't understand why she needed to go in there at all. "But we will be exposed!" She said.
"Yes, we will, but if you wear this respirator and report that you went in there, then you will be okay, they will fill out the appropriate paperwork and if you have symptoms, call and you will get the time off work." I looked at her and turned off the monitor so that she could look at me. "She is scared. She is sick and she is human." I said slowly, the aide looked confused and I told her the diagnosis. The aide's face fell.
"She has WHAT?!?" she exclaimed. I nodded, that was pretty much my reaction too.
"She is scared. She is sick. It is our JOB to care for her. She is the same as any other patient, you just wear a respirator." As she wrote down the details I sat back in the chair and exhaled slowly. Patient's yelling at me, threats for following simple orders, scary diagnosis', and all the crap in between. I love my job, and last night, I did my job, but not as well as I wanted to. And I HATE that.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Growing Up First
Right after I got my EMT license I applied for jobs everywhere, knowing full well that I couldn't obtain a job until I was 21. The goal, was to get my name out there. Realizing the amount of experience I wanted and needed, I headed down to the local firestation, the goal: to ask for more ride-along hours. Sitting down with the head honcho (I'm sure it was a Battalion Cheif) he informed me that I was a 'hazard' and that he couldn't put his team in that kind of risk.
I was livid. Mad. Upset. Frankly I didn't like firefighters after that moment. Up until a fire fighter friend helped me realize what he was talking about.
I'm the staggering height of 5'1, about 130 lbs. The gear for a firefighter alone weighs a TON (I think I read somewhere that its about 70lbs in equipment) and I was asking to get on a rig and tag along with those guys. However, it took me a bit of growing up to realize this, that he wasn't being a sexist jerk, the was ultimately looking out for both of us, and doing the right thing.
There are nights where I sit back and go 'damnit. I really screwed up my life by doing what I did. I could be so much farther in life by now.' I curse myself, hate myself, get mad at myself and feel pretty sad by nights end. But then there are days like today where we play like little kids, act goofy and truly enjoy it. We can't always act like kids, but we have the rest of our lives to grow up. Tonight, I was in a good mood and thought something to myself. 'If I was to have gotten that far, I would've been good, maybe even great. But I can be GREATER by being who I will be doing things this way. No regrets. No regrets.'
If it was a job where we did anything but deal with human lives I would be kicking myself in the teeth, but because my job is all about life and all aspects of it, I am embracing the fact that I am growing up enough to be successful on all levels for my patients. Like stated before, the fear of becoming an EMT-I is the responsibility over human life, the drugs can save or kill my patient, and 
I truly don't believe I would have come back from it if my actions killed a patient at this age. I am textbook as a CNA, and as an EMT, but I wouldn't've been as good on an ambulance at 18 years old, because I knew nothing about life. I had to have my own painful experiences, so that when my patients share their's I can empathize with them and comfort them as needed.
I truly don't believe I would have come back from it if my actions killed a patient at this age. I am textbook as a CNA, and as an EMT, but I wouldn't've been as good on an ambulance at 18 years old, because I knew nothing about life. I had to have my own painful experiences, so that when my patients share their's I can empathize with them and comfort them as needed. So on Friday night, when the Nurse asked if I had any regrets about the path I'm taking in life, I proudly smiled at her and shook my head. "No, not at all. I'm okay with growing up first."
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Shortest Post I've Ever Written
I'm not used to life being like this, but I love it, I awoke to two of my best friends, pounding on the door to wake me up. I had only been asleep a few hours but waking up between the both of them and watching music videos was incredibly fun. Being once pessimistic, the belief used to be that events like this only occured in Grey's Anatomy and Scrubs reruns. Laughing over eye liner spread across my face, pondering life's questions, and even trying to lick our own elbows we acted like kids again, a rareity among almost all adults.
While out and about today I saw a couple things that made me realize how much I love the life I live, watching a fireman hose down some neighborhood kids as they played in the water (no worries bloggers, it was a smaller hose), waving to a fire truck on the go and having them reply with loud honks and waves in return, and having the amazing day I did with my friends made it all that much sweeter.
Last night I studied a ton from my EMT-I book. I'm still a little uneasy about it all, and I finally identified my fear, its that I'm scared that I will now have more responsibility for human life. Its one I want to have, but its a fear of loosing patients.
An Interesting point I read straight from the Text: You as the EMT-I don't define what the emergency is or whether the call is worth it. The patient defines what an emergency is for them. This reminded me of all the times we are dissatisfied with our calls, our patients and our teams, we don't get to choose what it is for us, we see it all, but we do it for our patients, and so we need to think in their best interest in all aspects.
What do you think?
While out and about today I saw a couple things that made me realize how much I love the life I live, watching a fireman hose down some neighborhood kids as they played in the water (no worries bloggers, it was a smaller hose), waving to a fire truck on the go and having them reply with loud honks and waves in return, and having the amazing day I did with my friends made it all that much sweeter.
Last night I studied a ton from my EMT-I book. I'm still a little uneasy about it all, and I finally identified my fear, its that I'm scared that I will now have more responsibility for human life. Its one I want to have, but its a fear of loosing patients.
An Interesting point I read straight from the Text: You as the EMT-I don't define what the emergency is or whether the call is worth it. The patient defines what an emergency is for them. This reminded me of all the times we are dissatisfied with our calls, our patients and our teams, we don't get to choose what it is for us, we see it all, but we do it for our patients, and so we need to think in their best interest in all aspects.
What do you think?
"God is Great, Beer is Good and People are Crazy"
'Life, is beautiful,
but its complicated, we barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
there are miracles, in our path.' - Life is Beautiful, Vega 4
When your rushing through textbooks and studying all the time for a simple certification you don't realize that as soon as your in the job everything will change. At 17 years old, working in a nursing home really is no fun, your lifting people heavier than you, some of the things you deal with are unsatisfactory and in the end, you feel really empty, you worked so hard and your blood, sweat and tears seem all for nothing. But there was so much beauty there, how did I miss it?
Did the doctors just love me enough to send me perfect patients last night? Did the nurses and the other aide love me enough to make sure they were in great shape and completely happy? Maybe my patients got a memo that I was off my game (and for those of you who read my OTHER post, I apologize, even then I was off my game), either way the night went perfectly.
Last night I studied up on my drugs, and still feel overwhelmed, so I'm gonna keep studying tonight. While hugging a tube of Bacitracin, I sat and studied up on Atropine, Lidocaine, Adenosine and a few others, still not sure why I'm having such a hard time with it, however my nurse is excellent and is having me do all my on-line and in textbook homework, before sitting me down for the lesson. She even pulled out a few 2mL syringes and marked them with the dosages of the medication, so that I could see the tiny amount those drugs need.
But, my mind wandered, and before too long Pandora was on and I was busy making flashcards on all the information I had found, and before too long I was singing along to Billy Currington's latest song which has a fitting chours for anyone in medicine.
'God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.'
The drive home is amazing, no matter when I get off, but last night the city seemed to sparkle like a fresh cut diamond. As I drove home I kept thinking of how many hospitals and clinics I pass to get to work every day, and its a pretty large number, 
however, it is totally worth every minute of my drive. So I turn up the radio and sing for all I'm worth, because this is life. It only happens once, and I'll never re-live this moment again. So wasting my time whining ain't gonna happen.
however, it is totally worth every minute of my drive. So I turn up the radio and sing for all I'm worth, because this is life. It only happens once, and I'll never re-live this moment again. So wasting my time whining ain't gonna happen. I also promised one of our nurses I would post this photo. She had to give me my final Hep B shot in the series and I was giving her a hard time, telling her that my band-aid better be pretty freaking awesome. When she slapped it on my arm (I'm a bleeder) I saw that and busted up laughing. This is my definition of patient care!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Is it Supposed to be Like This?
I've always been known to have supplies, just in case. Being a boy scout with boobs, its just something I have always done. But last night, it wasn't about medicine. It was about life. After so many nights spent helping get friends home I considered changing my title to EMT, DD. That was just my job, and I was trusted with it, they had options on who they could call, and it was always me. Even on my birthday I spent the morning (0200) lying in the bed of a pickup truck with one of my best friends, staring at the stars and talking about life.
No one ever warned us that life would go this fast, or that we would change this much. That life would hurt this bad, or that people could be so mean. I always knew that I needed to grow up quickly to survive, but this was one bullett that seemed impossible to dodge. Just when we thought the world was alright, things changed. Friends get pregnant, they go off to war, the get hard and calloused. Friends find people to love who are insane. They leave, they come back.
Last night a bunch of us layed on our bed, cuddled up and watching T.V., talking about how painful it is that things change, trying to figure out who has seen who latley and dissing on each other. Finally, it was just two of us, and generally I love those conversations, the deep ones about life, love and happiness, but tonight it fell on a sad note.
"Life moves so fast." My boyfriend whispered, laying his head on my shoulder. I nodded quietly and turned off the t.v. We sat there quietly for awhile and then I realized how true this was. When I was 16 I made a to-do list before I die and suddenly items on my list were getting crossed off left and right. "Is it supposed to be like this?"
"I think it is supposed to be like this, and from time to time, it sucks. But we gotta see the beauty in it. We gotta keep moving forward." I replied, embracing him. "Maybe country music really does have something going for them," I joked and we laughed. "We just gotta hold on tight and enjoy the ride." But he has a point.
Is it supposed to be like this?
No one ever warned us that life would go this fast, or that we would change this much. That life would hurt this bad, or that people could be so mean. I always knew that I needed to grow up quickly to survive, but this was one bullett that seemed impossible to dodge. Just when we thought the world was alright, things changed. Friends get pregnant, they go off to war, the get hard and calloused. Friends find people to love who are insane. They leave, they come back.
Last night a bunch of us layed on our bed, cuddled up and watching T.V., talking about how painful it is that things change, trying to figure out who has seen who latley and dissing on each other. Finally, it was just two of us, and generally I love those conversations, the deep ones about life, love and happiness, but tonight it fell on a sad note.
"Life moves so fast." My boyfriend whispered, laying his head on my shoulder. I nodded quietly and turned off the t.v. We sat there quietly for awhile and then I realized how true this was. When I was 16 I made a to-do list before I die and suddenly items on my list were getting crossed off left and right. "Is it supposed to be like this?"
"I think it is supposed to be like this, and from time to time, it sucks. But we gotta see the beauty in it. We gotta keep moving forward." I replied, embracing him. "Maybe country music really does have something going for them," I joked and we laughed. "We just gotta hold on tight and enjoy the ride." But he has a point.
Is it supposed to be like this?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Despite it all
I don't live anywhere near the hospital, and that comes with pros and cons. Pro, is that I have time to mentally prepare myself for whatever my shift may hold. Con, is that at times, things happen, like cars don't work. Rides are too far away. Within a matter of minutes my personal life became a mess and as I wearily drove into work I was looking forward to loosing myself in the service of others. The car had broken, our new room we had remodeled was falling apart and was still not finished, friends and family were all hitting on sore spots, I felt like a wreck. As I walked into work I kept looking for opportunities to loose myself in service.
Leaning against the wall across from the time clock I cursed everything I would have to deal with when I returned to this spot, 8 hours from now. Shortly after, I clocked in and checked the whiteboard. Another 1:1.
As I walked into the room and got report, I looked at each bed's whiteboards. Both's patient goals were to get better, as report was given I found that both patients illnesses were self caused. I love working in 1:1's because you can actually give the patient(s) the attention you feel they need, but today I felt frustrated with my 1:1s because it was more severe than what we were used to dealing with.
Vitals were unstable, Mental Statuses declined, quickly it got to be overwhelming, one patient was receiving a chest xray, then the other a ABG test. While physicians were in the room for both patients I stepped outside for a moment and exhaled, running my fingers through my hair. "Despite it all, they are still human." I told myself. "Despite that they cannot remember their families, that they did this to themselves, they are still human."
Before too long I was pulled from the 1:1 and placed on the floor, with a few patients. I really am starting to love this unit the more I understand what to do, however a few nurses seem to think that I am 'too slow' in learning what to do. (Whining will precede, be cautioned) I am with a full patient load now, doing tasks I wasn't doing the week before, and I only ask questions when I truly don't know, so I go to those who DO know. Generally speaking the nurses are excellent at answering my questions, and I love that they do that, but almost every week without fail my patients happen to be Nurse (Meanie-Britches) patients as well, and she asks me to do a lot of things I don't know how to do. I ask her to elaborate, to explain, when she'll slam the doors and throw things onto the counter grumbling 'Fine! I'll just do it myself!'
'Despite it all, she is still human' I whisper under my breath, pausing long enough to exhale, then running after her to try to fix whatever messes may be caused on the way. I hate it when that happens.
I got surprised for my break, my boyfriend and one of my best friends came and brought me dinner and offered to help me with the vehicular problems. I gladly accepted the offer and spent my lunch break laughing it off. We joked about everything, and they being two of the best guys I know, saw my frustration and tried to make me feel better. My best friend came back from college with many vices, and slowly worked them away, except for two. His crazy girlfriend, and smoking. But we know he will never quit both of these habits and despite it all, he is still human.
As I finished my shift I did vitals, blood sugars, intake and output checks and all other nighttime activities that needed to be done. After verifying that I had truly finished all my tasks I read up on the different diagnoses that the unit was holding. It really amazed me at what a variety I saw, everything from Sepsis to Depression, Below the Knee Amputations to Pneumonia, we see it all.
There were a few abbreviations I didn't understand, so I asked another CNA, she sat down next to me and tried to figure it out, then explained 'since its a human that enters this information, not the computer, they enter the information that they know, not the generalized term so this sometimes happens.'
As I drove home I started to think about the quote just running through my mind all shift. What does it mean to be human? Does it mean we allow for addictions, mistakes and short-comings? As I listened to my play list the answer came to me.
To be human means to have a continuous heartbeat that does more than pump blood, it holds your love, your worry, and your emotions towards others. It means you do more than simply work, you think, you delegate, you educate and you learn. Being human means that from time to time you will have a vice, you will have mistakes, but you will overcome them and thrust yourself onto greatness. To be human means that you will continually want; want to better yourself, want to be healthy, want to learn and want to obtain your dreams.
Despite it all, all the crap, all the concern and all the hassles, it was a good shift.
Leaning against the wall across from the time clock I cursed everything I would have to deal with when I returned to this spot, 8 hours from now. Shortly after, I clocked in and checked the whiteboard. Another 1:1.
As I walked into the room and got report, I looked at each bed's whiteboards. Both's patient goals were to get better, as report was given I found that both patients illnesses were self caused. I love working in 1:1's because you can actually give the patient(s) the attention you feel they need, but today I felt frustrated with my 1:1s because it was more severe than what we were used to dealing with.
Vitals were unstable, Mental Statuses declined, quickly it got to be overwhelming, one patient was receiving a chest xray, then the other a ABG test. While physicians were in the room for both patients I stepped outside for a moment and exhaled, running my fingers through my hair. "Despite it all, they are still human." I told myself. "Despite that they cannot remember their families, that they did this to themselves, they are still human."
Before too long I was pulled from the 1:1 and placed on the floor, with a few patients. I really am starting to love this unit the more I understand what to do, however a few nurses seem to think that I am 'too slow' in learning what to do. (Whining will precede, be cautioned) I am with a full patient load now, doing tasks I wasn't doing the week before, and I only ask questions when I truly don't know, so I go to those who DO know. Generally speaking the nurses are excellent at answering my questions, and I love that they do that, but almost every week without fail my patients happen to be Nurse (Meanie-Britches) patients as well, and she asks me to do a lot of things I don't know how to do. I ask her to elaborate, to explain, when she'll slam the doors and throw things onto the counter grumbling 'Fine! I'll just do it myself!'
'Despite it all, she is still human' I whisper under my breath, pausing long enough to exhale, then running after her to try to fix whatever messes may be caused on the way. I hate it when that happens.
I got surprised for my break, my boyfriend and one of my best friends came and brought me dinner and offered to help me with the vehicular problems. I gladly accepted the offer and spent my lunch break laughing it off. We joked about everything, and they being two of the best guys I know, saw my frustration and tried to make me feel better. My best friend came back from college with many vices, and slowly worked them away, except for two. His crazy girlfriend, and smoking. But we know he will never quit both of these habits and despite it all, he is still human.
As I finished my shift I did vitals, blood sugars, intake and output checks and all other nighttime activities that needed to be done. After verifying that I had truly finished all my tasks I read up on the different diagnoses that the unit was holding. It really amazed me at what a variety I saw, everything from Sepsis to Depression, Below the Knee Amputations to Pneumonia, we see it all.
There were a few abbreviations I didn't understand, so I asked another CNA, she sat down next to me and tried to figure it out, then explained 'since its a human that enters this information, not the computer, they enter the information that they know, not the generalized term so this sometimes happens.'
As I drove home I started to think about the quote just running through my mind all shift. What does it mean to be human? Does it mean we allow for addictions, mistakes and short-comings? As I listened to my play list the answer came to me.
To be human means to have a continuous heartbeat that does more than pump blood, it holds your love, your worry, and your emotions towards others. It means you do more than simply work, you think, you delegate, you educate and you learn. Being human means that from time to time you will have a vice, you will have mistakes, but you will overcome them and thrust yourself onto greatness. To be human means that you will continually want; want to better yourself, want to be healthy, want to learn and want to obtain your dreams.
Despite it all, all the crap, all the concern and all the hassles, it was a good shift.
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