BMT

He was a big eared, freckled face little boy, with gaped teeth in the front and what was left of his brown hair was buzzed by his mom. As I walked into the room I was literally shocked to see a child in the room, I was working BMT (Bone Marrow Transplant). "What can I do for ya bud?" I asked, shutting the door behind me and rubbing the gel-san into my hands.

"Come here." He said, beckoning me with his little pointer finger. I inched closer to him and smiled as a devilish grin spread across his face. "Do you have the yummy brown stuff?" He asked.

"You mean, coke?" I asked.

"As in cola!" He replied, perking up. I nodded. "Well my mommy said I could have some if you guys had it."

"Well it looks like I'll be bringing it in." I replied, and as I turned to leave I heard a 'yippe!' escape his lips.

The night was something no one warned me about, and not even the biggest warnings could have warned me of this. I have had cancer in my family, I have had family members go through chemo, but no one could have warned you for this. When I found out they had transferred me for the night to BMT I kept asking for what I needed to know. The only answer I got was 'learn chemo precautions.' Chemo precautions was nothing compared to the shock I got when I began to take vitals on these patients, and it make me realize how ....healthy....the rest of them are in comparison.

I walked into the room to see a guy who I assumed was at least 200 lbs at one point, but the treatments had killed his body down to under 150. Weak, skinny, frail and starting to bald in patches he kept a smile, and even opened the door for me, explaining that he would not be able to forgive himself if he wasn't a gentleman at all times.

Another patient was a doctor, and it was textbook 'Isabel Stevens' from Grey's Anatomy, but that's where I got angry. Grey's makes fighting cancer look poetic, and makes it look so much different than what it really is. There is no group cancer session where they all get chemo and chit-chat, they do not wear scarves on their heads and they don't have energy to cruise around the hospital. They are bedridden, they loose their hair in patches and they fight like they have never fought before. Watching this patient I realized how strong she is, and she was more than admirable.

Truly, it was hard, and when I got home tears filled my eyes as my body curled up and into a ball. my muscles ached, my mind racing and the inability to sleep kept me waking up with hot tears escaping my eyes, each time I closed my eyes I realized their struggle, their battle and how strong they are. When sleep finally came, I dreamt about the little boy.
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'The higher you climb, the greater the pressure, those who manage to endure learn that the distance between top and the bottom is obscenely great, and those who succeed know this secret...there isn't one.'

I was that, Once

I was that kid, once. Standing in new bright blue scrubs, hands in the pockets, and a look on his face that let us all know he was new, out of place and scared to death. For his first day on the job, he did well. We had a rough patient load and he kept up, ignoring the sounds of the moaning psych patients and crying children. The unit is never quiet, but last night it was louder than normal, adding to the usual headache we usually all leave with. (I kid you not, at 2000 we all sit down in the breakroom and pass around a bottle of excedrin to get us to 2330.)

Luckily for him, I wasn't his orientee, the powers at hand probably knew better than to give me the new guy, mostly because I am known for throwing it at them like it was thrown at me. I was taught right, I was taught well, and I was taught how to do a tough job with compassion, my instructors theory was 'if a patient has to do it, so do you.' I have had nearly all of it done on me, and teach the same way. I was always told 'DO IT' and if I had seen it, I did it. This kid had seen hundreds of IV's discontinued, but refused to take one out (BTW, its the easiest freaking thing in the world to do, take tape off, stabilize IV, place gauze over IV site, gently and quickly pull it out and press down on IV site, stopping any bleeding. EASY.) I was amazed at the patience of his orientee, and how sweet she was too him. The powers at hand did well.

I was once that family member, once. Standing outside my family members room, talking quietly with the nurses, trying to figure out what was going on, why certain actions were or were not taken, trying to make sure my family was taken care of at their best. I always asked questions about lab results, when the M.D.'s had made their way in and why things were the way they were. However, we stayed in hushed voices, and this gal did not.

Luckily for her I wasn't the Nurse. The charge nurse took over and very sweetly talked to her about the care, treatment and why each task was being done, she even showed her the computer chart and the orders to best explain. She sat her down and even showed her the medications, explaining things so incredibly througoughly to the family member, as well as the patient. Watching this I couldn't help but smile, I love who the powers have chosen to charge, they are truly the best of the best.

I was waiting for test results once.....aw who the hell am I kidding....still waiting in test results. And I hate waiting.