He whimpered softly, being a man of only few words as he reached out and grabbed my hand. I took his hand and held it, letting his mind focus on that instead of the pain. We sat there quietly and after a moment I took the side rail down and sat on the edge of the bed.
The nurse came in and gave him his meds, as I let go to leave he whimpered again. Words didn't need to be said as I turned on my heel and returned to that exact same spot. He sighed in relief as he reached out his hand again, and I took it. The sound of the television drown out all the noise from the plexi-pulse boots, the IV pump and the pulse ox. His eyes stared at the television until they got incredibly heavy, and finally he dosed off to sleep.
"You're an old school kind of aide." My replacement tells me. I had been training her all night to do my job, however she had been an aide for almost as long as I have. I nodded my head, knowing full well I was not the norm nowadays when it comes to aides.
Her patient was on the call light every three minutes, with complaints like 'my pillow hurts', 'fix my ipod', 'talk to me, i cant sleep' and even inappropriate questions like, 'what does an orgasm feel like?' We both sighed at it. It felt as if we were working peds instead of an adult unit. However, she was incredibly patient with her and finally gotten her settled, so we hope.
The night flew by so incredibly fast. I watched it sadly. This wasn't my last shift at the hospital, but it was the last one at my favorite unit. Bitterly I sighed as it hit 6 a.m. One hour left to go.
The call light from my replacements patient continued to go off roughly every three minutes. I sighed and shook my head and tried to help her answer the call, but she wouldn't allow me in there, promising me that if I was seen, I wouldn't get out of there before 10 a.m.
The day shift came in and waited to get report. The night had been spent talking, exchanging funny medical stories and our thoughts on everything from kids to Obama. I let the replacement give report on our three patients, and then waited quietly. Everyone else was doing their own thing, and in this small family everyone was always so sweet and knew what was going on in every ones lives. I waited for my nurse to return so I could say goodbye- I wouldn't see them until Feburary 10th at least- but she never did.
I said my goodbyes, but no one said anything in return. I left quietly, the weight of the world on my shoulders, worried about my patients, my replacements and my surgery.
Two nights have passed and I don't sleep anymore. I sneak out of bed in the middle of the night and watch the snow fall quietly outside. I bundle up in my pajama pants and my blankets, turning on medical shows and movies, trying to drown out the worry. All of it is unsuccessful.
I'll be doing everything so much slower, but I'll have time to do it slower. I'm ordered to a immobilizing sling for 6 weeks. I'm not allowed to lift over 2 lbs for 12 weeks. I return to work and can only lift things under 10 lbs. Impossible for an aide. I worry about work- will they fire me when I can't keep up? Will they work with me? I worry about my mental health- 12 weeks not doing anything is a long time. 6 weeks in a sling- not being able to do anything will drive me insane! Yet I just keep trying to calm myself down. I listen to bagpipes and world tunes, singing loudly to German melodies and relaxing to Hawaiian songs. We go for car rides every day, letting the road run over my stress.
This is for a reason - this is so that I can qualify the fitness portion of Paramedic school. This is so that I can keep going on with my life. Without it I won't be able to lift babies out of a crib, let alone patients into an ambulance. Without it I would be disabled in less than three years. With it, and alot of P.T. I will be in the best shape of my life, because for the first time in five years, I won't be babying a large injury.
I just gotta keep reminding myself that.
2 comments:
sometimes the hardest choices we have to make are the ones that will benefit us most in the end - it sounds as if this is one of those choices for you!! I can't even remember how I found your blog, but I love your writing style and reading about all that you do (even if I'm not in the field)! If you are doing any of your recover back home, let me know - would love to come hang out with you or help you in any way (Wesley would like to come see you too - you were a favorite teacher for him!)
I will be thinking of you this week - I hope all goes well!!
For what it's worth...
Having been where you're going (and I spent nearly 8 months in that place), I feel like I'm maybe a little qualified to offer you some perspective.
First, even though you are not going to be doing much physically, once you're okay to be back on your feet, take the time and walk. Breathe deeply. Smell the coffee while it's brewing. Enjoy it for a while - there's nothing wrong with doing that. Then move forward.
One thing to remember, and this is important: if you need pain medication, take it. Nobody that has real pain after any sort of surgical repair of an orthopedic injury gets addicted. That's a fact. Another fact is that pain makes healing take a lot longer. So do what is necessary to keep your pain at a minimum.
When you're doing PT/OT, make sure you do what you're told. No more than that. Otherwise you'll be back to square one.
Read books. Put up blog posts with one hand. Sure, it will take twice as long, but they'll be incredibly well thought out. Not that they aren't incredibly well thought out now or anything...
>:-)
Even if you can only do it in your mind for a while, don't slow down. Keep moving forward at a pace that you can handle. And it really is okay to heal after being repaired. More than a year after my own injury I'm still healing, even though I've been back to work for almost 6 months.
Probably the most important advice I can offer is this: don't be afraid to let anyone help you if you need it. Especially with the day-to-day things. It will make your life easier, and who knows? By allowing someone to help you maybe they will be helped in some way also.
It really is okay, Dani. And you will be, too. Trust me on that.
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