He whimpered softly, being a man of only few words as he reached out and grabbed my hand. I took his hand and held it, letting his mind focus on that instead of the pain. We sat there quietly and after a moment I took the side rail down and sat on the edge of the bed.
The nurse came in and gave him his meds, as I let go to leave he whimpered again. Words didn't need to be said as I turned on my heel and returned to that exact same spot. He sighed in relief as he reached out his hand again, and I took it. The sound of the television drown out all the noise from the plexi-pulse boots, the IV pump and the pulse ox. His eyes stared at the television until they got incredibly heavy, and finally he dosed off to sleep.
"You're an old school kind of aide." My replacement tells me. I had been training her all night to do my job, however she had been an aide for almost as long as I have. I nodded my head, knowing full well I was not the norm nowadays when it comes to aides.
Her patient was on the call light every three minutes, with complaints like 'my pillow hurts', 'fix my ipod', 'talk to me, i cant sleep' and even inappropriate questions like, 'what does an orgasm feel like?' We both sighed at it. It felt as if we were working peds instead of an adult unit. However, she was incredibly patient with her and finally gotten her settled, so we hope.
The night flew by so incredibly fast. I watched it sadly. This wasn't my last shift at the hospital, but it was the last one at my favorite unit. Bitterly I sighed as it hit 6 a.m. One hour left to go.
The call light from my replacements patient continued to go off roughly every three minutes. I sighed and shook my head and tried to help her answer the call, but she wouldn't allow me in there, promising me that if I was seen, I wouldn't get out of there before 10 a.m.
The day shift came in and waited to get report. The night had been spent talking, exchanging funny medical stories and our thoughts on everything from kids to Obama. I let the replacement give report on our three patients, and then waited quietly. Everyone else was doing their own thing, and in this small family everyone was always so sweet and knew what was going on in every ones lives. I waited for my nurse to return so I could say goodbye- I wouldn't see them until Feburary 10th at least- but she never did.
I said my goodbyes, but no one said anything in return. I left quietly, the weight of the world on my shoulders, worried about my patients, my replacements and my surgery.
Two nights have passed and I don't sleep anymore. I sneak out of bed in the middle of the night and watch the snow fall quietly outside. I bundle up in my pajama pants and my blankets, turning on medical shows and movies, trying to drown out the worry. All of it is unsuccessful.
I'll be doing everything so much slower, but I'll have time to do it slower. I'm ordered to a immobilizing sling for 6 weeks. I'm not allowed to lift over 2 lbs for 12 weeks. I return to work and can only lift things under 10 lbs. Impossible for an aide. I worry about work- will they fire me when I can't keep up? Will they work with me? I worry about my mental health- 12 weeks not doing anything is a long time. 6 weeks in a sling- not being able to do anything will drive me insane! Yet I just keep trying to calm myself down. I listen to bagpipes and world tunes, singing loudly to German melodies and relaxing to Hawaiian songs. We go for car rides every day, letting the road run over my stress.
This is for a reason - this is so that I can qualify the fitness portion of Paramedic school. This is so that I can keep going on with my life. Without it I won't be able to lift babies out of a crib, let alone patients into an ambulance. Without it I would be disabled in less than three years. With it, and alot of P.T. I will be in the best shape of my life, because for the first time in five years, I won't be babying a large injury.
I just gotta keep reminding myself that.
Showing posts with label stresses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stresses. Show all posts
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thoughts from a Medic
Apparently sleep is hard for me to come by, seeing that I am writing this at 0645 am. I work nights, so this is the eqivalent of a 9-5er blogging at 0200. My job has me working odd hours all week long, but the worst of it is that I take home stresses with me, and its hard to stay asleep when thoughts fly through your mind.
Thats why I started this blog. Not just to get the thoughts out of my head, but to help others learn a little bit about what we do as medical professionals, to inspire others, because we don't only learn from school or from our clinicals, we learn from each day we take on the job.
People make fun of country music, saying that if you take a country song and turn it backwards you get your car back, your house back and your wife back. Sad part is its true- but not just that, but that country music is about life- and lately life has been one hell of a country song. Patients after patients come into my care and have horrible stories to tell. Accidents and falls that keep them from holding jobs in these economic times, body parts going bad and causing unthinkable pain and damage to their bodies. I have spoken to patients whose hearts have stopped beating the day before, who had a baby and haven't seen it since its own birth. I have seen alot of things for being only 20.
Part of my rituals nowadays is to watch CMT and listen to country songs, to help me get my mind in order, that and take away the stresses. Life goes way too fast as it is- and we keep piling up the stresses. I am the most guilty of this- but I took off each stress, one by one slowly as if it were clothing after a long hard day, and buried myself in focusing on perfecting the things I couldn't get rid of.However, there are things that you can't get rid of, even if its not the perfect definition. Like family.
When I first started dating my boyfriend Bubba, his mother had an operation. When we went to visit her in the hospital it dawned on me that you really see two very different worlds in the medical field. You see the best in people, in family and friends as they come see their loved ones, and the worst in the patient, who is medicated, tired, in pain, and probably scared to death. But despite seeing their family member in bad shape, they come anyways. Because of this epiphany, I told my boyfriend we couldn't get hitched until I was hospitalized, just so he could see me at my worst, because anyone who could still love someone after a hospitlization, was 'the one.'
Since this declaration I have come to realize that your family isn't always your biological family. Your family can be friends, other peoples family, co-workers, or your own family. My family has expanded so much in the last few months. Besides my biological family, I have my friends, who I have known for years, who have saved me, and I have saved them. They are my brothers and I am their sister, and I know with them they help keep me safe. I have my 'other' family, so to speak, that if one day I was to marry my boyfriend, my 'other' family would be my in-laws, who are just like parents, but also like friends. I have my co-workers, my night nurses at my primary unit who are like my aunts or older sisters, just waiting for that moment to fall into place to take action.
Another stress you can't get rid of is work. And since realizing that my idea of 'living the dream' was creating stress, I had to take a few days off and re-evaluate. What we do in healthcare is due to a complex, or at least a mental deficit. We have god complexes. We believe we have superpowers, and so we take that and run. We are those people who like what we do- even if its disgusting (or awesome, in my opinion) like trauma, burns, emergency care- and think that we are amazing for it. But we kinda are. I mean, who else goes to work, gets to change a life, or even save a life, and then clocks out like its nothing? Not many people.
Life has so many different angles and actions that take place along its course. Lately I have been watching all my friends and family members get married- and yeah, its Utah, so its that age that everyone gets married and has kids, but its still hard to imagine that its actually happening over and over. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting back and enjoying the ride.
"Life is a roller coaster ride - Time turns the wheel and love collides - Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky -to shine while you have the chance to shine - Laugh even when you want to cry - Hold on tight to what you feel inside - AND RIDE" -Martina Mcbride
Thats why I started this blog. Not just to get the thoughts out of my head, but to help others learn a little bit about what we do as medical professionals, to inspire others, because we don't only learn from school or from our clinicals, we learn from each day we take on the job.
People make fun of country music, saying that if you take a country song and turn it backwards you get your car back, your house back and your wife back. Sad part is its true- but not just that, but that country music is about life- and lately life has been one hell of a country song. Patients after patients come into my care and have horrible stories to tell. Accidents and falls that keep them from holding jobs in these economic times, body parts going bad and causing unthinkable pain and damage to their bodies. I have spoken to patients whose hearts have stopped beating the day before, who had a baby and haven't seen it since its own birth. I have seen alot of things for being only 20.
Part of my rituals nowadays is to watch CMT and listen to country songs, to help me get my mind in order, that and take away the stresses. Life goes way too fast as it is- and we keep piling up the stresses. I am the most guilty of this- but I took off each stress, one by one slowly as if it were clothing after a long hard day, and buried myself in focusing on perfecting the things I couldn't get rid of.However, there are things that you can't get rid of, even if its not the perfect definition. Like family.
When I first started dating my boyfriend Bubba, his mother had an operation. When we went to visit her in the hospital it dawned on me that you really see two very different worlds in the medical field. You see the best in people, in family and friends as they come see their loved ones, and the worst in the patient, who is medicated, tired, in pain, and probably scared to death. But despite seeing their family member in bad shape, they come anyways. Because of this epiphany, I told my boyfriend we couldn't get hitched until I was hospitalized, just so he could see me at my worst, because anyone who could still love someone after a hospitlization, was 'the one.'
Since this declaration I have come to realize that your family isn't always your biological family. Your family can be friends, other peoples family, co-workers, or your own family. My family has expanded so much in the last few months. Besides my biological family, I have my friends, who I have known for years, who have saved me, and I have saved them. They are my brothers and I am their sister, and I know with them they help keep me safe. I have my 'other' family, so to speak, that if one day I was to marry my boyfriend, my 'other' family would be my in-laws, who are just like parents, but also like friends. I have my co-workers, my night nurses at my primary unit who are like my aunts or older sisters, just waiting for that moment to fall into place to take action.
Another stress you can't get rid of is work. And since realizing that my idea of 'living the dream' was creating stress, I had to take a few days off and re-evaluate. What we do in healthcare is due to a complex, or at least a mental deficit. We have god complexes. We believe we have superpowers, and so we take that and run. We are those people who like what we do- even if its disgusting (or awesome, in my opinion) like trauma, burns, emergency care- and think that we are amazing for it. But we kinda are. I mean, who else goes to work, gets to change a life, or even save a life, and then clocks out like its nothing? Not many people.
Life has so many different angles and actions that take place along its course. Lately I have been watching all my friends and family members get married- and yeah, its Utah, so its that age that everyone gets married and has kids, but its still hard to imagine that its actually happening over and over. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting back and enjoying the ride.
"Life is a roller coaster ride - Time turns the wheel and love collides - Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky -to shine while you have the chance to shine - Laugh even when you want to cry - Hold on tight to what you feel inside - AND RIDE" -Martina Mcbride
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