It hasn't hit me yet. I wonder when it will hit me, or if it will until I finally decide to go with it. The entirety of it all still makes me believe that it was a dream. I am known to have vivid, colored dreams jam-packed with drama and bad news. Maybe it was just a bad dream.
The surgeon I visited for my shoulder surgery came by today and spoke with me and the nurse for a few moments. Knowing he was still here I was waiting for his patient and dismissed the thought of him being the one I needed to meet with to discuss my surgery further. As I got the supplies for a new admit ready I thought back to one of the many reasons I don't want to do the surgery yet.
___
It was six in the morning, time for residents to come by and review patient information and situation. After letting them do their rounds with their assigned patients I approached one. "You are Dr.Shoulder's resident right?" I asked.
"Yeah, what do you want?" He asked harshly, never looking up from his paperwork.
"I was wondering if you knew where I could find a shoulder stabilization brace. Preferably one made out of neoprene. Does that have to be written as a prescription or-"
"What the hell makes you think you need one of those?" He asked harshly looking up to me. "You don't need one." He said and returned to his paperwork. Angry I stepped towards him and put my hand on his chart. My pulse raced, my adrenaline began flowing through my veins and my mind was geared on one thing.
"Dr.Shoulder told me I need a shoulder stabilization procedure. I cannot have this surgery done. I need a frickin' brace so that when I get your patient out of bed I wont injure them or myself further. You gonna help me or you gonna be an ass?" I snarled, feeling my orneriness taking over. He slammed the chart shut and walked off. He decided he was going to be an ass .
____
As I heard the voices of Nurse California and Dr. Shoulder I stopped and smiled, saying a quiet hello.
"Yeah, Nurse Cali, I agree, she needs it done soon so that she can be more beneficial as an aide, but it will also improve quality of life." He said, almost an exact quote from what he had told me when I sat in his office. They both looked to me as they leaned against the Nurses station.
"You need that shoulder surgery." She said, giving me a knowing look. I smiled and felt guilty for not even trying to pursue it yet. "We are gonna help you figure out a time when you can do it."
As I looked at the calendar and tried to plan out dates and times and how exactly to make this happen I kept letting my mind wander. It is something I have learned to live with. It is something that is a part of my life now, and I have adapted to it. Not even the MRI and the Xrays have let me know that it is real, and at this point I am positive I won't be feeling reality until I am in a gown going under TIVA.
Sometimes being young and naive isn't as awesome as we all believe it to be. This is one of those cases I wish I was more grown up and could handle this like one.
How can I make it more real? And how can I convince myself that I need to do this, and soon, before I shred it up even more?
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
A Birthday
It happened.
It really happened.
My fiance turned the big 2 1.
Yep. He is offically a grown man by most peoples standards, however his mother diagrees saying that if you are to be a man you must have these three things: 1. Chest hair 2. Be 21 and 3. Have a child. So, he'll still be mommas little boy, but he's now my big man.
Happy birthday hun- Glad to see you survived the long haul to 21.
It really happened.
My fiance turned the big 2 1.
Yep. He is offically a grown man by most peoples standards, however his mother diagrees saying that if you are to be a man you must have these three things: 1. Chest hair 2. Be 21 and 3. Have a child. So, he'll still be mommas little boy, but he's now my big man.
Happy birthday hun- Glad to see you survived the long haul to 21.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Life Goes On
I live close to the high school where I spent 3 years attending. I drive by the places I did my clinicals for CNA and EMT every week, without fail. The location of the schools are on the college campus, so my history is still a huge part of my everyday life. The other day we drove past the high school on our way home from a friends house and one of my friends asked us if we ever missed it, and it got me thinking.
We used to come to school at 6 am so that we could sneak onto the roof and eat breakfast while watching the sunrise, we would skip any class with a subsitute so we could go mudding, spent hours studying for competitions, and lived for the moment. The future was so far away, and thinking about life in a negative aspect made us like our parents. It was fun, it was amazing and I wouldn't've traded it for the world.
I don't miss it, because the person I wanted to be is the person I am, which now gives me hope that the person I want to become now is who I am heading towards. Yesterday I was flipping channels while doing laundry and came across this song, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I immediately fell in love with the lyrics, they fit so perfectly.
"Oh, Life goes on, And it's only gonna make me strong
Its a fact, once you get on board Say good-bye 'cause you can't go back
Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where I'm at, is my life before me and this feelin' that I can't go back
Wish I knew then, what I know now
You held all the cards, and sold me out
Baby shame on you if you fool me once Shame on me if you fool me twice
You've been a pretty hard case to crack
Should've known better but I didn't And I can't go back"
-Leann Rimes (Life Goes On)
Its an understatment saying that I have been through alot in a short while, and this song reminded me of everything that I have had to overcome. Like a music video events flashed through my mind; loosing friends and family, visiting new babies in the hospital, weddings, divorces, new jobs, interviews, moments with friends, laughter and tears. I snapped back to reality and where I am at now, towel in hand, folding laundry. Even now things get in the way, but its true, life does go on.
So as I'm getting ready for work, studying my EMT stuff I am taking in the moment, enjoying it for all its worth, life moves too fast as it is, so why not enjoy it. I have since given up the wish for a rewind button.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Meet the Medic
It has come to my attention that I have not formally introduced myself, so I figured todays blog would be about something simple; me.
I am 20, which is incredibly young, but still old enough to deal with the things that I deal with on a day-to-day basis. And for only being 20 I have had a hell of a life, between things involved in work, school and just life.
At 15 years old I signed up for the CNA class at the technical center in high school. I did it as part of a bet. My dad and I agreed that if I did tech center I wouldn't have to do seminary. I was sold and I looked for the two shortest classes they had available. It was CNA or Vet Tech and I took CNA, figuring that even if I hated it, I would have a job for the rest of my life. The following school year I had CNA first thing in the morning, got fitted for scrubs and got given a stethoscope and was sold.
100 clinical hours in a care center and 16 hours in a hospital passed and I graduated my CNA class as the youngest aide in my class. My parents were proud, I was excited and at 16 years old I had certification to a job I knew I would love. I was also that much closer to becoming a Nurse.
That following year I signed up to test into the EMT class. I had been looking forward to it since the graduation of my CNA class and was very excited to test, let alone get into it. However, on the day I had to test into it I was very sick. My mom was going to take me into insta-care that afternoon but I insisted on taking the EMT test first. I hadn't been out of bed in a few days and had never left the house without my hair and makeup done before this day. I put on my CNA scrubs and put my hair in a ponytail and slowly got to the testing center.
As soon as I walked in I felt ...better. I did the color-blindness test, dead-lifted the 125 t
o my waist with ease and did the speed and accuracy tests like I was fine. As soon as I left, the cold hit me and I was diagnosed with broncitis, possible pneumonia, and a eye infection. However, after a high dose of antibiotics and a few weeks later, I got accepted. I figured it was a sign.
After that it was all about EMS. My plans changed. I wanted nothing more than to become a Paramedic, because that was a job that I knew would be all about saving lives. It was fast paced- it was intense, and it was perfect for my plans in my life.
At State Competitions, my partner and I took 6th place out of about, 20 or more teams. However, that night I lost two of the best people in the world, my grandfather and my best friend (totally unrelated). It was the hardest time in my life, but I kept going and I graduated EMT as one of the youngest medics, but near the top of my class. I was proud of myself. I did it!
The stuff that I didn't mention were the things that everyone has had to live with. The joys and dramas of high school, of missing out on parties because we had to study, but outside of those petty things, were much bigger, more important things that made me who I am today.
In high school I wasn't a girly-girl. I didn't have female friends, I didn't spend time getting manicures, pedicures or getting any other cures for that matter. I had guy friends, and because of them I learned so much. My little brother is 3 years younger than me, and there was no guidebook on how to survive high school, so it was up to me and my friends to discover how, and they saved my life.
Instead of getting manicures, I was digging things out of my buddies hands (IE: glass, metal, etc.) Instead of going to party's, I was the DD and took care of anyone who got sick. I used what I learned on a daily basis, and it made me better at what I do. I even started working at a Nursing Home at the age of 17. However, I didn't listen when anyone said that it would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. It was. It is.
No one should have to deal with death at the age of 17. No one should have to tell a patients family that they had passed away at that age. No one that young should of had to deal with post-mortem care, but I did. I have done that, and its terribly hard. So, it wasn't a big deal when I quit working the care center a year and a half later to go into an office job.
But I missed the medical field. For a moment there I wanted to change my mind, I wanted to become a writer instead and live my childhood dream of being a world-famous journalist, but instead I realized that it was what I was meant to do. At least for now, so I applied, applied and applied some more. On average I put in 95 job applications in a month. Until one day, I finally got a call to come in and interview.
It wasn't the job I wanted. It wasn't the hours I wanted, and it sure as heck wasn't a job I could take. But the interviewer liked what she saw and a week later they had a job open for me. It must have been fate, because the very day she called me a very difficult thing had happened in my personal life and it was the open door I needed to start a new life.
Since then I have been working my primary and secondary units, learning so much about anything that I could and everything that I needed to. After an awfully rough night my friend (another EMT) told me about his blog, and how it helps him feel better. So I tried it, and didn't like it. But after a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy my boyfriend suggested that my blog go like that. And here it is.
If I didn't answer any questions about myself that you as my readers would like to know, please e-mail me at bmxchic7@yahoo.com.
I am 20, which is incredibly young, but still old enough to deal with the things that I deal with on a day-to-day basis. And for only being 20 I have had a hell of a life, between things involved in work, school and just life.
At 15 years old I signed up for the CNA class at the technical center in high school. I did it as part of a bet. My dad and I agreed that if I did tech center I wouldn't have to do seminary. I was sold and I looked for the two shortest classes they had available. It was CNA or Vet Tech and I took CNA, figuring that even if I hated it, I would have a job for the rest of my life. The following school year I had CNA first thing in the morning, got fitted for scrubs and got given a stethoscope and was sold.
100 clinical hours in a care center and 16 hours in a hospital passed and I graduated my CNA class as the youngest aide in my class. My parents were proud, I was excited and at 16 years old I had certification to a job I knew I would love. I was also that much closer to becoming a Nurse.
That following year I signed up to test into the EMT class. I had been looking forward to it since the graduation of my CNA class and was very excited to test, let alone get into it. However, on the day I had to test into it I was very sick. My mom was going to take me into insta-care that afternoon but I insisted on taking the EMT test first. I hadn't been out of bed in a few days and had never left the house without my hair and makeup done before this day. I put on my CNA scrubs and put my hair in a ponytail and slowly got to the testing center.
As soon as I walked in I felt ...better. I did the color-blindness test, dead-lifted the 125 t
o my waist with ease and did the speed and accuracy tests like I was fine. As soon as I left, the cold hit me and I was diagnosed with broncitis, possible pneumonia, and a eye infection. However, after a high dose of antibiotics and a few weeks later, I got accepted. I figured it was a sign.After that it was all about EMS. My plans changed. I wanted nothing more than to become a Paramedic, because that was a job that I knew would be all about saving lives. It was fast paced- it was intense, and it was perfect for my plans in my life.
At State Competitions, my partner and I took 6th place out of about, 20 or more teams. However, that night I lost two of the best people in the world, my grandfather and my best friend (totally unrelated). It was the hardest time in my life, but I kept going and I graduated EMT as one of the youngest medics, but near the top of my class. I was proud of myself. I did it!
The stuff that I didn't mention were the things that everyone has had to live with. The joys and dramas of high school, of missing out on parties because we had to study, but outside of those petty things, were much bigger, more important things that made me who I am today.
In high school I wasn't a girly-girl. I didn't have female friends, I didn't spend time getting manicures, pedicures or getting any other cures for that matter. I had guy friends, and because of them I learned so much. My little brother is 3 years younger than me, and there was no guidebook on how to survive high school, so it was up to me and my friends to discover how, and they saved my life.
Instead of getting manicures, I was digging things out of my buddies hands (IE: glass, metal, etc.) Instead of going to party's, I was the DD and took care of anyone who got sick. I used what I learned on a daily basis, and it made me better at what I do. I even started working at a Nursing Home at the age of 17. However, I didn't listen when anyone said that it would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. It was. It is.
No one should have to deal with death at the age of 17. No one should have to tell a patients family that they had passed away at that age. No one that young should of had to deal with post-mortem care, but I did. I have done that, and its terribly hard. So, it wasn't a big deal when I quit working the care center a year and a half later to go into an office job.
But I missed the medical field. For a moment there I wanted to change my mind, I wanted to become a writer instead and live my childhood dream of being a world-famous journalist, but instead I realized that it was what I was meant to do. At least for now, so I applied, applied and applied some more. On average I put in 95 job applications in a month. Until one day, I finally got a call to come in and interview.
It wasn't the job I wanted. It wasn't the hours I wanted, and it sure as heck wasn't a job I could take. But the interviewer liked what she saw and a week later they had a job open for me. It must have been fate, because the very day she called me a very difficult thing had happened in my personal life and it was the open door I needed to start a new life.
Since then I have been working my primary and secondary units, learning so much about anything that I could and everything that I needed to. After an awfully rough night my friend (another EMT) told me about his blog, and how it helps him feel better. So I tried it, and didn't like it. But after a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy my boyfriend suggested that my blog go like that. And here it is.
If I didn't answer any questions about myself that you as my readers would like to know, please e-mail me at bmxchic7@yahoo.com.
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