It's About People

Luckily I had the weekend off and got to enjoy it and all of the festivities with my family. My fiance and I made it to a total of two parades (both of which he marched in), visited a pool party, and a BBQ, as well as our tiny fireworks display. It turned out to be a fun night and I was so glad I didn't have to work. Since then, I've been worried about life, about what I'm doing.

He's gonna be a cop. He is gonna work long shifts, but not nearly as long as Paramedics. He will be able to go to work and come home to a family. How will I be able to actually raise my kids? I don't want to rely on daycare systems, and I know family won't be available when I have to work 24's. Maybe I'm thinking too far into the future, then again, its still a worry heavy on my mind.

We had an aide float from another floor to help our unit last night. She was very pregnant, and she showed it with her cute walk that came with it. She tried her damndest to get the job done, and did it well. I watched her with awe, she had to be nearly ready to burst, but if you're gonna go into early labor, why not at a hospital?

"Why do you keep doing it?" I asked her as she walked into the breakroom.

"Do what?" She replied.

"Do this job, your gonna have a baby. Why not switch careers?" I asked, and she smiled.

"Because I love taking care of people." She said, then sat down next to me. "Everything we do is about people, and people are what matters." I nodded and looked at my cup, soaking in everything she was saying. "Like our Intern Nurse, we had a young CF patient who missed her prom, so he created her room to be a prom and came to work in a tux just to dance with her at her own prom." I smiled as I remembered this, it was my first week on the job and I kept smiling, thinking about how happy it made our patient.

Maybe I'll drown my worries in my job tonight and focus on what really matters, people. Eventually I will have to figure it out, but until then, I'll just keep going.

Life Goes On

I live close to the high school where I spent 3 years attending. I drive by the places I did my clinicals for CNA and EMT every week, without fail. The location of the schools are on the college campus, so my history is still a huge part of my everyday life. The other day we drove past the high school on our way home from a friends house and one of my friends asked us if we ever missed it, and it got me thinking.

We used to come to school at 6 am so that we could sneak onto the roof and eat breakfast while watching the sunrise, we would skip any class with a subsitute so we could go mudding, spent hours studying for competitions, and lived for the moment. The future was so far away, and thinking about life in a negative aspect made us like our parents. It was fun, it was amazing and I wouldn't've traded it for the world.

I don't miss it, because the person I wanted to be is the person I am, which now gives me hope that the person I want to become now is who I am heading towards. Yesterday I was flipping channels while doing laundry and came across this song, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I immediately fell in love with the lyrics, they fit so perfectly.

"Oh, Life goes on, And it's only gonna make me strong

Its a fact, once you get on board Say good-bye 'cause you can't go back

Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right

Where I'm at, is my life before me and this feelin' that I can't go back

Wish I knew then, what I know now

You held all the cards, and sold me out

Baby shame on you if you fool me once Shame on me if you fool me twice

You've been a pretty hard case to crack

Should've known better but I didn't And I can't go back"

-Leann Rimes (Life Goes On)

Its an understatment saying that I have been through alot in a short while, and this song reminded me of everything that I have had to overcome. Like a music video events flashed through my mind; loosing friends and family, visiting new babies in the hospital, weddings, divorces, new jobs, interviews, moments with friends, laughter and tears. I snapped back to reality and where I am at now, towel in hand, folding laundry. Even now things get in the way, but its true, life does go on.

So as I'm getting ready for work, studying my EMT stuff I am taking in the moment, enjoying it for all its worth, life moves too fast as it is, so why not enjoy it. I have since given up the wish for a rewind button.

Growing Up First

Right after I got my EMT license I applied for jobs everywhere, knowing full well that I couldn't obtain a job until I was 21. The goal, was to get my name out there. Realizing the amount of experience I wanted and needed, I headed down to the local firestation, the goal: to ask for more ride-along hours. Sitting down with the head honcho (I'm sure it was a Battalion Cheif) he informed me that I was a 'hazard' and that he couldn't put his team in that kind of risk.

I was livid. Mad. Upset. Frankly I didn't like firefighters after that moment. Up until a fire fighter friend helped me realize what he was talking about.

I'm the staggering height of 5'1, about 130 lbs. The gear for a firefighter alone weighs a TON (I think I read somewhere that its about 70lbs in equipment) and I was asking to get on a rig and tag along with those guys. However, it took me a bit of growing up to realize this, that he wasn't being a sexist jerk, the was ultimately looking out for both of us, and doing the right thing.

There are nights where I sit back and go 'damnit. I really screwed up my life by doing what I did. I could be so much farther in life by now.' I curse myself, hate myself, get mad at myself and feel pretty sad by nights end. But then there are days like today where we play like little kids, act goofy and truly enjoy it. We can't always act like kids, but we have the rest of our lives to grow up. Tonight, I was in a good mood and thought something to myself. 'If I was to have gotten that far, I would've been good, maybe even great. But I can be GREATER by being who I will be doing things this way. No regrets. No regrets.'

If it was a job where we did anything but deal with human lives I would be kicking myself in the teeth, but because my job is all about life and all aspects of it, I am embracing the fact that I am growing up enough to be successful on all levels for my patients. Like stated before, the fear of becoming an EMT-I is the responsibility over human life, the drugs can save or kill my patient, and I truly don't believe I would have come back from it if my actions killed a patient at this age. I am textbook as a CNA, and as an EMT, but I wouldn't've been as good on an ambulance at 18 years old, because I knew nothing about life. I had to have my own painful experiences, so that when my patients share their's I can empathize with them and comfort them as needed.

So on Friday night, when the Nurse asked if I had any regrets about the path I'm taking in life, I proudly smiled at her and shook my head. "No, not at all. I'm okay with growing up first."