My 100th Post

When I started this blog people told me it wouldn't work. I got the idea from a friend, who worked in an ER and as an EMT on the weekends, I planned to be him by this point so I started one too. The only person who supported it and read it was my fiance.

He sent the word out, having family and friends read it. I browsed other sites, trying to make a name for myself- big or small. Each day I would check and each day would bring a smile as I would exclaim 'look hun! I got a hit from England!' or 'Baby! I got three hits yesterday!' My fiance would chuckle and read the blog, finishing each post with a nod of approval or a comment about the situations. My one support system became the one I needed most.

The last six months this blog has been the best thing for the stresses and woes of my life. I have been able to write about the joys of being engaged, life at the job, the stress of my surgery and my fiance going to POST. It was a place I could vent if needs be- it was my place.
Thing that shocked me was- I wasn't used to people actually reading it! As people would post comments and requests I felt as if maybe, someday, somehow my writing could be read and make a difference. What was once a sad dream is now a hope.

I've grown up a lot in this blog, mentally, emotionally, physically and know its for the best. Life has happened, its just what it does. And with the ability to have this creative outlet I know it is for the best. Everyone has a friend at work they can bitch to about anything, well I don't. I have this blog- and frankly I am okay with it- because I don't do the petty bitching about a patient who needs to pee every thirty minutes- I bitch about aides who probably shouldn't be certified or helping a cop take down an escaped prisoner for patient.

For my 100th post I wanted to thank my wonderful fiance. He is my best friend and the love of my life. He is a wonderful man who is so set to make it to his dreams he has created a beautiful future for us both on the way. He is a hard-working, caring individual who I can no longer live without. He supports me when I need it- he stands by me when I don't. He is the guy who keeps pushing me to write- even when I have no idea what I am going to write about. He is the one who jokes about my future as a Paramedic- and how we have to work in the same city so we can enjoy our jobs that much better. He is the guy who stays up late researching my surgery recovery information-because he wants to make sure I don't bend or break the rules. He is the guy who makes it to every doctors apt and helps me with my creative writing homework when I am stuck. He is the guy I stay up late with- helping memorize defensive tactic flashcards. He is the guy I am going to marry.

I love you hun. Thank you for all you do. You rock my world!

A Birthday

It happened.
It really happened.
My fiance turned the big 2 1.

Yep. He is offically a grown man by most peoples standards, however his mother diagrees saying that if you are to be a man you must have these three things: 1. Chest hair 2. Be 21 and 3. Have a child. So, he'll still be mommas little boy, but he's now my big man.

Happy birthday hun- Glad to see you survived the long haul to 21.

When Your Busy Making Other Plans

Life happens when your busy making other plans.

The last few months I have been focused on the upcoming EMT-I course, passing time til I can start applications for transfers to the ER, and waiting until I am 21 so I can work on an ambulance. Meanwhile I was busy planning my life and career, and not even worried about the rest of it, but life happens.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I took a drive up and into the mountains and as took a hike in the rainy weather, it was beautiful and we were the only two up there. As I paused to take a picture he dropped to one knee and as I turned around I saw him there, ring in hand. I almost cried, I was too busy making plans for the other part of my life to realize this part of life was happening. But it did, and I kissed him and gave him my answer 'YES!'

Its a whole different chapter of my life, a chapter I didn't really think through, spending all of my time thinking about my life once I was a Flight Nurse and about all the lives I would save. But this is something I have always wanted in my life.

Before bed last night I joked with him, about kids and how they would survive with a Paramedic mother and a Cop for a father (that's what he is going into). He laughed and gave me the best answer; "Well, we definitley wont be spending alot of time in ER's, and if we do, you'll probably pick the best one, not closest one, and if they get in trouble we'll have some 'come to jesus' talks. They'll be scared to screw with us." Both of us burst out laughing.

Sometimes I wake up and stare at the ceiling, wondering if life had really happened. Sometimes I stare at the wall and wonder if I have done it right. Is there a right way to live?

But this morning I woke up and looked at my left hand and smiled. It really did happen, and its a new chapter of my life I am more than happy to embrace. I'm an adventure seeker, and its just more adventure to be had.

Is it Supposed to be Like This?

I've always been known to have supplies, just in case. Being a boy scout with boobs, its just something I have always done. But last night, it wasn't about medicine. It was about life. After so many nights spent helping get friends home I considered changing my title to EMT, DD. That was just my job, and I was trusted with it, they had options on who they could call, and it was always me. Even on my birthday I spent the morning (0200) lying in the bed of a pickup truck with one of my best friends, staring at the stars and talking about life.

No one ever warned us that life would go this fast, or that we would change this much. That life would hurt this bad, or that people could be so mean. I always knew that I needed to grow up quickly to survive, but this was one bullett that seemed impossible to dodge. Just when we thought the world was alright, things changed. Friends get pregnant, they go off to war, the get hard and calloused. Friends find people to love who are insane. They leave, they come back.

Last night a bunch of us layed on our bed, cuddled up and watching T.V., talking about how painful it is that things change, trying to figure out who has seen who latley and dissing on each other. Finally, it was just two of us, and generally I love those conversations, the deep ones about life, love and happiness, but tonight it fell on a sad note.

"Life moves so fast." My boyfriend whispered, laying his head on my shoulder. I nodded quietly and turned off the t.v. We sat there quietly for awhile and then I realized how true this was. When I was 16 I made a to-do list before I die and suddenly items on my list were getting crossed off left and right. "Is it supposed to be like this?"

"I think it is supposed to be like this, and from time to time, it sucks. But we gotta see the beauty in it. We gotta keep moving forward." I replied, embracing him. "Maybe country music really does have something going for them," I joked and we laughed. "We just gotta hold on tight and enjoy the ride." But he has a point.

Is it supposed to be like this?

Living my Happily Right Now

When I was a kid I lived to read, and I loved to go to the library and check out books. I hated reading all the junk in between the beginning chapter and the last one, so I would skim as much as possible so that I could read the ending. I lived for 'happily ever after's'.

Getting older it started to dawn on me that 'happily ever after' was just a fairy tale, and that made me angry. How was it possible that happily ever afters' weren't real, when it seemed so real to me as a child? Unfortunately alot of things seemed real to me as a child, but I tucked all of this into the back of my mind and returned to living like it still exsisted.

Life got difficult and I was facing challenges I never thought would happen to me in my life, and so I reverted to reruns of Grey's Anatomy. In one episode they quoted "It doesn't matter that its not happily ever after, what matters is that its happily right now."

When you see so many bad things happening all around you, you begin to focus on the possibilites that you will also land happily ever after, trying to make sure that you are nothing like your patients. Sometimes, it gets to be so worrysome that you forget a crucial point. "{But} at some point you start to realize your life is happening now. Not after med school, not after residency, right now. This is it. It's here. Blink and you'll miss it." (Greys 5.23)

I had spent so much time before these last few weeks involved in anything other than my life, and farther from happily ever after than I had thought possible. I was angry, I was stressed and more than anything I was unhappy. But then, life throws things your way that makes you realize you need to be living.

This weekend simply reinforced my belief that this is life, and this is now. Gathered around dinner tables, talking to old friends, catching up with family, events that are so simple yet happen so rarely, I have finally felt like I was living again. All this time I had convinced myself I was simply 'wasting time' until I landed my dream job, or until I found my prince charming and got married, but its so far from that. Its every morning, its every evening, its going on right now.

So I challenged myself to live my life before its too late. I wrote down my list of things I want to do, things that will make my everyday more worthwhile. Singing loudly to the radio in the car. Dancing to country music videos whenever I feel the urge. Searching for stupid jokes just so that I can laugh out loud. Watching my favorite movie, over and over until its no longer my favorite. Telling people that I care, that I miss them, before its too late. Focusing on what I find fascinating, and searching for my passions. Learning from people, even if I've never met them before that conversation.

Not too long after I started doing this I realized something about life, something that I wish I had learned long before this.

Reality. It's so much more interesting than living happily ever after.