Lately I'm struggling to find inspiration to do my job. I'm struggling to keep attentive and compassionate, mainly after the types of patients I have been assigned to. Patients who moan and scream, in the hopes that they will get more narcotics. Patients who lie to all the staff, and cannot keep up with the lies. Hard-core psych patients. High needs patients. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of patients and people, and am no longer doing what I once loved to do.
As I walk into patient rooms now I see the patient I will have to become to chase my dream. I see myself in the bed, in the sling, and with the pain. I see myself trying to remember why I did it after all. I search the community college pages endlessly in the vain hopes of anything else that catches my eye for education. Anything that I could possibly do that wouldn't harm my injury or my body. Nothing catches my eye. I only want to be a paramedic.
I wonder if its worth it, a 16 week recovery period. Not being able to even have the surgery until late this year if I decide to go on with it. With the Paramedic program I want to go into I would have to quit my job- the schedule is Mon-Fri 7a-5p and Sat 8a-2p. There is literally no time to work and study and be successful for this career. I wouldn't want to work. I want to pass. I think about my options. I think about life. My fiance starts POST on Sept 8. He's got his future started and ready to go, and not being one to lie I am envious.
Last night kicked my ass. Still being sore from my appointment with the surgeon and still stressed as can be I tried my damnedest to keep up with the fast pace. I was in pain, and I kept smiling, doing what I had to do to simply do my job, but in the back of my mind I kept wondering if any of it was worth it.
It could be worse. I could be exactly like some of my patients. I could be in such a mess that no one knows how to save them, let alone deal with them. I could be admitted to a psych ward any time now without reason or rhyme. I could be continuously abusing myself and my loved ones. I'm simply just a girl with a road block.
Its back to work tonight, and back to the unit. Hopefully I can get back out of my funk and back to doing the job I set out to do.
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Friday, August 7, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
It's About People
Luckily I had the weekend off and got to enjoy it and all of the festivities with my family. My fiance and I made it to a total of two parades (both of which he marched in), visited a pool party, and a BBQ, as well as our tiny fireworks display. It turned out to be a fun night and I was so glad I didn't have to work. Since then, I've been worried about life, about what I'm doing.
He's gonna be a cop. He is gonna work long shifts, but not nearly as long as Paramedics. He will be able to go to work and come home to a family. How will I be able to actually raise my kids? I don't want to rely on daycare systems, and I know family won't be available when I have to work 24's. Maybe I'm thinking too far into the future, then again, its still a worry heavy on my mind.
We had an aide float from another floor to help our unit last night. She was very pregnant, and she showed it with her cute walk that came with it. She tried her damndest to get the job done, and did it well. I watched her with awe, she had to be nearly ready to burst, but if you're gonna go into early labor, why not at a hospital?
"Why do you keep doing it?" I asked her as she walked into the breakroom.
"Do what?" She replied.
"Do this job, your gonna have a baby. Why not switch careers?" I asked, and she smiled.
"Because I love taking care of people." She said, then sat down next to me. "Everything we do is about people, and people are what matters." I nodded and looked at my cup, soaking in everything she was saying. "Like our Intern Nurse, we had a young CF patient who missed her prom, so he created her room to be a prom and came to work in a tux just to dance with her at her own prom." I smiled as I remembered this, it was my first week on the job and I kept smiling, thinking about how happy it made our patient.
Maybe I'll drown my worries in my job tonight and focus on what really matters, people. Eventually I will have to figure it out, but until then, I'll just keep going.
He's gonna be a cop. He is gonna work long shifts, but not nearly as long as Paramedics. He will be able to go to work and come home to a family. How will I be able to actually raise my kids? I don't want to rely on daycare systems, and I know family won't be available when I have to work 24's. Maybe I'm thinking too far into the future, then again, its still a worry heavy on my mind.
We had an aide float from another floor to help our unit last night. She was very pregnant, and she showed it with her cute walk that came with it. She tried her damndest to get the job done, and did it well. I watched her with awe, she had to be nearly ready to burst, but if you're gonna go into early labor, why not at a hospital?
"Why do you keep doing it?" I asked her as she walked into the breakroom.
"Do what?" She replied.
"Do this job, your gonna have a baby. Why not switch careers?" I asked, and she smiled.
"Because I love taking care of people." She said, then sat down next to me. "Everything we do is about people, and people are what matters." I nodded and looked at my cup, soaking in everything she was saying. "Like our Intern Nurse, we had a young CF patient who missed her prom, so he created her room to be a prom and came to work in a tux just to dance with her at her own prom." I smiled as I remembered this, it was my first week on the job and I kept smiling, thinking about how happy it made our patient.
Maybe I'll drown my worries in my job tonight and focus on what really matters, people. Eventually I will have to figure it out, but until then, I'll just keep going.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Quotes and Qips
When I get worried, I turn to myself. It is a nasty habit, but its one I have found incredibly useful, and as this trick works more and more, I realize that maybe its not that bad for me. Then again, alcoholics and long-time smokers say the same thing.
I turned to my writing notebooks. I actually have a whole box full of notebooks, binders, spiral bound books and folders. To my parents dismay I wanted to keep most of my good writing and I dug into one of those boxes this afternoon, only to find the smallest blip of what I needed to get through tonight.
The vanilla color was faded into a deeper shade, resembling the tan shade that the army uses. This folder had been through alot and had no breaks, and from the scribblings on it I could tell it never had a chance to begin with. The edges were faded, and honestly I wasn't sure what I had kept it for, but then I took a closer look at the scribblings on it. It wasn't just the typical crap people write on folders, like who loves who, phone numbers and things we thought we would always remember and now cant deciepher, it was clear, conceise, and perfect.
"Never look back, Never look down, Never Let Go." It was the lyrics to a song that my partner in Basic class had found for us. It held such special meaning for me while we trained, and even more meaning when State HOSA testing had come and gone.
"It's after the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment that you realize why you do what you do." A Grey's Anatomy quote, and quite fitting. I can imagine an Ambulance, the back full of wrappers thrown haphazardly all around the ground, a small blood stain on the floor, the stretcher not quite locked in and two EMT's staring at each other, tired, exhaused, but making the save.
"I'm gonna go save lives!"
"Selfish people don't save lives!"
"It's a Name Alert!"
"You Dimwad! That's the Nurses name!"
"No man defines who you are!"
"First; Do No Harm "
"You can get through anything, all you have to do is survive."
"You and I both know its not what you look like, your job or how successful you are, its about having people in your life who love you and who you love. That is all that matters."
The last quote was written in big green letters, and I can tell from the way the handwriting looks, was written slowly and thoughtfully. As I read the quote I remember the first time I heard it, it was on an episode of Grey's Anatomy, the episode where the Ambulances crashed into each other, and they were trying to save the Paramedics hanging upside down. "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins played in the background and the Chief looked to Meredith.
"That's the job." He tells her. "Look at me. This day- this day you feel helpless. This day makes all those other days when you fight to save a lige a loose. This day makes you grateful you have a chance to do anything at all. You take it in."
I turned to my writing notebooks. I actually have a whole box full of notebooks, binders, spiral bound books and folders. To my parents dismay I wanted to keep most of my good writing and I dug into one of those boxes this afternoon, only to find the smallest blip of what I needed to get through tonight.
The vanilla color was faded into a deeper shade, resembling the tan shade that the army uses. This folder had been through alot and had no breaks, and from the scribblings on it I could tell it never had a chance to begin with. The edges were faded, and honestly I wasn't sure what I had kept it for, but then I took a closer look at the scribblings on it. It wasn't just the typical crap people write on folders, like who loves who, phone numbers and things we thought we would always remember and now cant deciepher, it was clear, conceise, and perfect.
"Never look back, Never look down, Never Let Go." It was the lyrics to a song that my partner in Basic class had found for us. It held such special meaning for me while we trained, and even more meaning when State HOSA testing had come and gone.
"It's after the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment that you realize why you do what you do." A Grey's Anatomy quote, and quite fitting. I can imagine an Ambulance, the back full of wrappers thrown haphazardly all around the ground, a small blood stain on the floor, the stretcher not quite locked in and two EMT's staring at each other, tired, exhaused, but making the save.
"I'm gonna go save lives!"
"Selfish people don't save lives!"
"It's a Name Alert!"
"You Dimwad! That's the Nurses name!"
"No man defines who you are!"
"First; Do No Harm "
"You can get through anything, all you have to do is survive."
"You and I both know its not what you look like, your job or how successful you are, its about having people in your life who love you and who you love. That is all that matters."
The last quote was written in big green letters, and I can tell from the way the handwriting looks, was written slowly and thoughtfully. As I read the quote I remember the first time I heard it, it was on an episode of Grey's Anatomy, the episode where the Ambulances crashed into each other, and they were trying to save the Paramedics hanging upside down. "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins played in the background and the Chief looked to Meredith.
"That's the job." He tells her. "Look at me. This day- this day you feel helpless. This day makes all those other days when you fight to save a lige a loose. This day makes you grateful you have a chance to do anything at all. You take it in."
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Unsure About Things
Life, the center of our universe, the reason behind our being. The reason to inhale, the reason to exhale, the reason to reproduce. It's the reason we believe in love, its why we believe in religion, and moreover, why we believe in each other.
The damn poets have tried to capture the beauty and meaning of life for others to share. They have tried to help humanity but humanity is proving to be beyond help; sadly this shows. Crimes, Vice, Wars, Random Acts of Violence, humans find hundreds of ways to act out against one another. I had come to the conclusion that life would forever remain a mystery to me. However, I got a job in a hospital, working hands on with people, and as I worked I learned.
Working with people is difficult, and at times I clock out feeling as if I want to cry. It's tough, people are beautiful, mean, kind, hard working, terrible and an arrangement of other characteristics. Some shifts are beautiful, others horrible and some are a shade of classic mediocracy. But as you deal with life, with people, you learn about them.
I never thought I would learn about life on the job.
*~*~*
The skies are finally clear, blue and sunny. I feel as if I could stare at them all day, and at times I get lost in thoughts as well as daydreams as I stare up at these big blue skies. Lately it's been me and my fiance waiting on the mail, waiting to see who will go to trade school first. I have been scared to study up in my textbooks, worried that I may get my hopes up, so instead I have been reading Peter Canning's book; Paramedic. The more I read the book, the more I realize it really is what I want to do with my life, and it gives me that extra push I need to keep hoping.
Monday and Tuesday were very rough for me. I worry that I am getting into a rut, but I also worry that if I'm stuck in the rut, I may never get out. In the break room I see other CNA's, talking about the patients, making snide remarks and talking about how long they have done this 
for. I have been a CNA for 5 years, but I can't bring myself to make those remarks, but I worry that one day, I may get to that point. Monday it was the patients and the families that got to me. Yesterday it was the nurses. Maybe they simply don't trust my skills, maybe they don't trust me. Maybe I don't trust them. Could it all be in my head? Either way I feel like I am falling into a rut, and I desperately need something to help lift me up.
for. I have been a CNA for 5 years, but I can't bring myself to make those remarks, but I worry that one day, I may get to that point. Monday it was the patients and the families that got to me. Yesterday it was the nurses. Maybe they simply don't trust my skills, maybe they don't trust me. Maybe I don't trust them. Could it all be in my head? Either way I feel like I am falling into a rut, and I desperately need something to help lift me up. I'm sure that one day I will look back at this and smile, laugh at myself for my petty worries and roll my eyes when I re-read these posts. But that is one day, and this, is today, and today I am going to worry about it, I am going to stress over it. I think I am going to take a motorcycle ride.
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