Lately I'm struggling to find inspiration to do my job. I'm struggling to keep attentive and compassionate, mainly after the types of patients I have been assigned to. Patients who moan and scream, in the hopes that they will get more narcotics. Patients who lie to all the staff, and cannot keep up with the lies. Hard-core psych patients. High needs patients. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of patients and people, and am no longer doing what I once loved to do.
As I walk into patient rooms now I see the patient I will have to become to chase my dream. I see myself in the bed, in the sling, and with the pain. I see myself trying to remember why I did it after all. I search the community college pages endlessly in the vain hopes of anything else that catches my eye for education. Anything that I could possibly do that wouldn't harm my injury or my body. Nothing catches my eye. I only want to be a paramedic.
I wonder if its worth it, a 16 week recovery period. Not being able to even have the surgery until late this year if I decide to go on with it. With the Paramedic program I want to go into I would have to quit my job- the schedule is Mon-Fri 7a-5p and Sat 8a-2p. There is literally no time to work and study and be successful for this career. I wouldn't want to work. I want to pass. I think about my options. I think about life. My fiance starts POST on Sept 8. He's got his future started and ready to go, and not being one to lie I am envious.
Last night kicked my ass. Still being sore from my appointment with the surgeon and still stressed as can be I tried my damnedest to keep up with the fast pace. I was in pain, and I kept smiling, doing what I had to do to simply do my job, but in the back of my mind I kept wondering if any of it was worth it.
It could be worse. I could be exactly like some of my patients. I could be in such a mess that no one knows how to save them, let alone deal with them. I could be admitted to a psych ward any time now without reason or rhyme. I could be continuously abusing myself and my loved ones. I'm simply just a girl with a road block.
Its back to work tonight, and back to the unit. Hopefully I can get back out of my funk and back to doing the job I set out to do.
2 comments:
If you are made for a career in caring, which is apparent in your writing, then you will always work your way through these times. All it takes is for that one patient to give you a heart felt thanks or one moment that makes you realise why you do your job, and the next few days/weeks or months wont really matter.
If I have a special moment at work, it can literally carry me for months of dealing with the time wasters, and inappropriate callers.
As far as progressing through your paramedic career, all I can say is that if you want it enough, you will do whatever it takes to get, no matter how hard or difficult it becomes. The benefits are huge, to be doing what you always wanted to do!!
I'm married to a former paramedic, who gave that up finally, and then went to grad school, leading him to management in a fire department. I don't want to be Pollyanna and say, "you can do it." But you can! And you want to, so go for it.
Take things a little bit at a time. Do what you can do, focus on just that, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Easy for me to say, I know.
You probably feel like you have no time to read at all, but can I suggest a book about getting unstuck and moving forward with your life? It's YOU UNSTUCK by Libby Gill. She distills complex concepts into simple action steps. The program boils down to clarify, simplify and execute: clarify the vision for the life you want, simplify the most direct route to get there and execute the plan you set. I really think you'll find it valuable.
It's
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