Welcome to the Unit Newbie

(Frankly this is how my first day felt, and after orienting many aides I feel like this is an appropriate example of life as the new kid. This is a mix between my first day, and theirs. Enjoy!)

1500 -So they finally decided to give us one more aide. Wow. I'm surprised. You have no idea what you have gotten yourself into have you? They did discuss pay, the long hours and the fact that certain members of the staff pride themselves on coming in late right? Did they discuss the flow of patients you aren't trained to care for, their long stays and heavy lifting? How good are you at tackling people? Just asking.
Well then, come on newbie, lets go get your time card made.

1530 -Please newbie, quit asking me to tell you stories about the weird shit that happens at night, all the saves and the love of the job. I am trying to drive. If I have to tell you all about it for you to get excited, you are in the wrong career and are in the wrong unit. This unit prides themselves on aides that try to re-live scenes from 'hello dolly', nurses that shit sunshine, and doctors who hum and whistle the tune from the 'Andy Griffith Show' all I can say is, I hope you can keep up.


1600- Just a hint, the guy who operates the camera for the time cards, has no history in photography. If you smile, you look bad, if you frown you look bad. I know that sky blue makes your head look like its floating above your scrubs and makes your hair look oily. Suck it up and enjoy your picture.
Say cheese!


1700 -Now for the technical crap. Here is your binder. Yes, EVERY paper is a worksheet you need to have filled out to keep this job. Yes, I am very aware that this is a 3-inch-binder and is very full. No, this isn't the only stuff. Each week the people we call 'managers' decide that we need to keep learning. Go ahead and find a quiet spot to work on it newbie, and meet me at shift change.
Oh, and if you haven't had a hit of caffeine yet, do it now.


1900 - If you don't get those damn shoes tied and your hair pulled up in 30 seconds I swear I will make your night miserable. Come on kid, you said you've done this before! Good, now grab a piece of paper and sit your butt down. Its time for report, so we are gonna listen to our other aide give report, and please don't interrupt, she may not give all the information- or even half of the information - that we need, but that's what charts are for. Eyes and ears this way newbie.


We are gonna go do what I call 'introductions' with the patients. Go say hi, talk for a moment, smile and offer to help them. Give them the agenda for the evening so they can plan family visits and pain medications accordingly. No you cannot 'just shadow me' tonight kid, you said you've been an aide for years, get in there and show me what you got!


2000 - This here is our vitals machine. This nifty machine is someone you are gonna know more than your spouse. Each button has a function and some sends this baby off screaming for no reason. You will have an intimate relationship with this machine, because of all the time you spend carting it around.
No, I really don't want to know if you are married, I am just trying to prove a point. Yes, I know I am being mean- this is orientation and until you pass everything off I get to be a bitch. Please tell me you know what all these tools are...
Its called a Pulse Oximeter dude...
That attaches to a blood pressure cuff...
Newbie, that's the thermometer...the oral thermometer.

You can go ahead and wipe down the machine now. I can wait, use the good wipes, the ones with the purple lid. Those kill everything.

2200 - When I asked if you had any questions about the job I was looking for a serious question kid. I was looking for 'can you guide me through the IV pumps again', or even 'show me how to work a CPM.' Something more along the lines of 'what is the code to the galley?' or 'Remind me of the Nurses names?'
I was not looking for 'is there anything we do that doesn't involve pee or pillows?' as a question. Lets review. Smile. Help them pee. Hold your pee for 12 hours. Keep smiling. Deal while they whine. Their pain is real. Write that one down. Keep smiling. Don't forget to chart.

2400- You are only halfway through this shift kid don't even THINK about yawning. Lets go take more vitals and check in on our patients. What will you be checking for you ask? Vitals out of range, comfort levels, worries and concerns. Teach the patient everything they want to know about. If you don't know, you learn. FAST. Please quit staring at me like I just slapped your sister.

Oh, and don't say you are bored, because I will find so much more work for you to do than just this orienting crap. I just made a pot of coffee, down a cup and meet me over in the clean utility closet so we can get it organized. After we are done you can start on that hellish binder.

0200- So kid, we've had downtime for almost two hours now, lets check your binder and see what all you have gotten done.
Oh. My. Word.
You have one page done and the other two have drawings of pony's and daises? Yes I know they are daises! If you didn't know the answer you have a binder on your left that has the answers and an orienter down the hall who is filling out some of her own educational material. Please get back to work, and just know, any more daises may cause me to kick your ass.
No I don't have to shit sunshine, that's the nurses.

0300 - Come on newbie, lets go clean our machines and wipe up counters. Make sure to put on gloves, that stuff is used to wipe down O.R.'s and will sting your hands. Okay, looks good, now lets go ahead and hit up the dirty utility closet. That's the room with dirty machines and equipment stacked to the ceiling. On second thought, bring another canister of the wipes, would ya?

0400 - I am really glad I don't work the psych unit because they would have me admitted. You may feel the same. Please quit strumming your lip like a guitar. Why? Cause you have nasty stuff on your hands. I am so glad its only your first day, or else I would kick your ass... The antiseptic gel does not kill everything, plus it tastes nasty. Fine, don't believe me, but don't put your hands in your mouth.
When I can catch my breath from laughing so hard, remind me to tell you....Told ya so.

0600- Follow me as we get the bandage box put together for the doctors. No this isn't in the job description, but it is what we do here on this unit. Helps the doctors out and in return they help us, called teamwork. We do a lot of that here kid, hope you can handle it. Remember the boxes of 4x4s, the sterile ones. The tape and the tegaderm. Its all about tape and gauze here, if you haven't learned anything else, please remember that.

Answer me one question kid, why are your scrubs stained? And please tell me its not blood stains...

0630- Its called a HEMO-VAC. Let me remind you. HEMO-VAC. It drains the blood from the surgical site into this spring loaded canister. SPRING LOADED. Lets think of other things that are spring loaded, jack-in-the-box, latches on car hoods, clicky pens, and cuckoo clocks. Do you get the idea of spring loaded? Good. Now apply PRESSURE. Let me emphasise on the pressure, are you putting pressure on it? Use your whole hand, and crack it open. Flip and drain blood, and then flush appropriately. Now to close. Put PRESSURE on it and then flip it closed.
Please tell me you understood that. Please?

0700 - So, is your charting done? Good. How about those first three pages of Orientation? Fine, I'll take the two and a half. But tomorrow I expect you to have seven pages done. Yes, we can even ask the nurses tomorrow too. You look tired as hell. Go do a power run to the next call light, it will help you wake up.
Please quit bitching about the other aide being late, I warned you that this is what she does. Use the time to keep up with your charting and hang in there. One day we will all kick her ass and it will land her out of the door. We all hate her for it.

0730- You did well newbie, you hung in there, dealt with the queen of the bitch nest, even got close to singing at one point. Keep your chin up, its a process, even if we seem evil now you'll learn to love us.
Let me show you out of the building. That guy with the full beard is here so early cause he slept here, that's one hell of a dedicated nurse. The gal carrying the newspapers, well I don't know what she does, but she's always here. Seems to be a pretty nice person. That's our environmental services manager, the one out back smoking, she works til 1 am most nights!
Working nights is tough kid, but you did it. We walk out as the doctors walk in, and we get none of the credit. But that is the job, now get your ass home and get some sleep, you look like shit.
Oh and newbie, welcome to the unit.

(Thanks to Capt Schmoe for the idea!)