Time: My loosing battle

When you work in a hospital you come to loose a lot of things you once took for granted. Sleep, holidays, friends, family, and mostly, time. We accept this becuse we love our jobs, our co-workers and our patients.

Sitting straight up as I awoke I let myself catch my breath and after a moment flopped back down onto my pillow and close my eyes. The dream I had flashed through my mind again and I sighed deeply. It all came back to me as I lay there, the defibrillator, the sirens, the lights, and the patient, everything moving in slow motion, yet it was still moving too fast.

Dreams don't happen often, so when they do it is a big deal for me to try to remember them. I stare at the dreamcatcher over my bed and I continue to breathe, letting my eyes wander between it and the clock, whose big green letters read 3:45 a.m.

There was once a time I didn't need sleep. I was working two jobs, 5 days a week, and anywhere from 8-14 hours a day. Then, I would come home and hang out with family and friends. I didn't need food, I didn't need bathroom breaks, I didn't need anything, I just kept going. At the time I thought that was just how my body worked, but now, being exhausted all the time and always just wanting to catch up on sleep and sun, I wonder what was my deal.

Everyone I talk to reminds me that I have time, that I don't need to live in fast forward like I am used to. Everyone trys to convince me that I am doing better off than I think I am doing, but there are some people, the only people who honestly make sense to me, who encourage me to keep going in fast forward. "One day, you are gonna wake up a 50-year-old woman and wonder where your life has gone." They say. "Don't stop running. Don't stop moving in fast forward. Don't stop."

Once upon a time I worked in a care center, and a little old lady took me by the hands and pulled me close to her bed. "You are too young for this." She said. I argued, telling her I was the ripe old age of seventeen years old. She nodded. "You are way too young for this. Why are you doing this so young?" When I explained my dreams of being a nurse and a Paramedic, she smiled. "Well then, you keep being young and doing this. You will be the best. Don't slow down." She smiled. "But enjoy the moment, enjoy the time. It goes way too fast."

Life has provided me with many lessons since I have started working in this field. Once I thought this was just a short-term thing, but nothing you do in medicine is short term. We do this for people, and we toss ourselves by the wayside. Medicine isn't for the selfish, its for the selfless, and we loose alot, including time. As Meridith Grey said on an Episode of Grey's Anatomy; "Time takes pleasure in kicking our asses."