Brought to my Knees

Great Paramedics are not born. Saving lives is not genetically programmed into you. Being great is something that you have to become, and greatness is not an easy thing to be. You could study paramedicine for years and still be one of the worst Paramedics ever. Great Paramedics are the true heroes, because to become good, you had to go through hell, mediocre, drama, death and heaven only knows what else. To become GREAT you must go through more.

Last night it hit me why I am doing all of this. I was denied into EMT-Intermediate school because of my shoulder. I struggled through EMT-Basic and other classes nearly killed me, trying to do lifts, techniques, etc. I signed up for health insurance and went to the best of the best for a reason- so that I can get on with my life. Never thinking twice about anything due to my young age I didn't stop to realize that this wasn't all bad drama. Most of it is for the best.

It is so hard to see the good in this when I am out most of the week due to pain. I am on Ultram most of the time to control pain and swelling until my surgery date. I sleep with an icepack on my shoulder now because its the easiest way to wake up in small amounts of pain. It's hard to plan and prepare for a surgery that I don't want. But I need it.

During this past week I went to the mall for some surgery friendly clothes. Knowing I would only have one arm I realized scrubs and sweats were all I could live in for those 6-10 weeks. However I have never owned a pair of sweats, so I had to go find some. Dressing room to dressing room I went, with a soft sling and strapping my arm up so that I had to put it on one handed. I found lots of sweats and that was an easy task.

Then came tube tops (which came doctor recommended due to my sling I will have). I went into the dressing room with a few tops, and explained to the store employee what the deal was. She rolled her eyes and sighed but I continued to try them on one handed. Halfway through trying them on she called me out, and accused me of stealing. When I tried to change back into my clothes the door knocked again. She had called security who proceeded to check my bags and my purse. I again explained to them, I was even wearing my shoulder support brace, which is big, black and bulky. Impossible to hide.

This morning I woke up sick. Spent a good portion of my day at the doctors office, only to be given antibiotics with a hope that they will work. He still doesn't know what it is, but he narrowed it down to two. Sadly the gal who drew my blood missed and stuck me twice, something that rarely happens. I'm already bruised- its quite awesome really. I have done blood draws on myself so it somewhat shocks me when others miss.

It is so hard to see the bright side in all of this. Most girls my age are in sorority's and worried about getting a boys attention. Instead I am worried about patients and surgeries and applying to Paramedic school and everything else in between. BUT it really is for the best.

One day I am going to be an amazing Paramedic. I am going to be able to start lines, drop tubes, run codes and give meds like no ones business. One day I am going to be able to lift stretchers, save lives and have compassion and give care like no other Paramedic. But that one day will have to come after a long extensive surgery (5 hours) and a long recovery period (16 weeks). However, when I get post-surgical patients and broken bones I will be able to understand what my patient is going through. When I put someone in my rig I will understand the fear they feel. I will understand the worry, the stress and the pain. This will make me better.

Being able to be down for awhile will give me the time I need to slow down and think. It will give me time to research Paramedic programs and plan out how I will go about getting there. I will be able to know that I am being taught the best of the best and that I am going to graduate with the knowledge I need to be that great Paramedic.

Reading up on other blogs I came to realize that other Paramedics who are great have been through hell and back, and that they too have been brought to their knees. So tonight I fall to my knees and drop my voice to a whisper as I cry and pray for those other medics, and then pray for myself. Asking for help is not an easy thing to do, but it's the smart thing to do when you know you need it.